I know you want to confess your crush on me. It’s not just a fantasy, it’s REAL, these feelings you’re suffering. Maybe you’re losing motivation at work while ogling my website, or tossing in bed at night wishing it were me next to you. Am I the leading lady in your wank sessions? Or maybe you just find yourself comparing every woman you’re with to me, and finding she inevitably falls short.

It’s time to TELL ME about it! Valentine’s Day is coming up and there’s never been a better time. I will be posting the very best love letters, tribute songs, poems, and gift images online for the world to see. All writings will remain anonymous, but I want to give everyone a chance to read your words of devotion and understand how much I mean to you. The best of the bunch will go up here in the News section, and on twitter. All gifts may be dropped off in person with me in New York. Slaves in London can get them to my assistant who will then mail them to me before Valentine’s Day.

AND A LITTLE BONUS: Whoever gets me the nicest gift/poem/card etc, to be decided by me obviously, gets to take me to dinner in the next month at a restaurant of my choosing. I’m so generous!

Happy Valentine’s Day, boys.