I just received an email from a slave that had the following closer:

“You have restored my faith in professional domination after what was for me an extremely toxic and heartbreaking experience.”

Lately I have started to admit my vulnerabilities publicly. A human is a human, a woman is a woman, and any Domme who sells herself as invincible and truly “heartless” is lying, or advertising, or just getting high off her own image (guilty of the last two, all the time). Invincibility doesn’t exist. Every human on this Earth has insecurities and moments of sadness, and the more a person can get in touch with their own “weakness” and come to accept it and give it room to exist peacefully within them, the more that person can understand and help others with those same struggles. Strength through softness. Speaking through listening. Control through allowing. All of those are aspects of my personality that I pride myself on and that have helped lead to any success I’ve had as a professional D/s practitioner. Ironically many of those same paradigms can, with a subtle tweak, be applied just as easily to a sub. I would say what they have in common is compassion. We can thus derive that subs and Dommes with compassion are, in general, better humans. Well duh!

The reason why it is so easy to forget that rule in the kink world is that so much of it is based on the fantastic¬†denial of that fact. It is often the most thrilling part of a session to sense a Dom/me “doesn’t give a fuck” about you or your suffering and carries on with the session regardless of how much you appear to be suffering mentally, physically or emotionally. This, as the most basic of us know (but can choose to forget), is fantasy. In reality, a Dom/me must not only “always give a fuck,” he/she must place their sub’s wellbeing on the same level as his/her own. This is basic humanity. In spite of the very convincing fantasy of D/s that screams the very opposite; in spite of the need to advertise as a merciless narcissist who will ruin your life; in spite of the fact that ProDomming is transactional and a Dom/me must take your (the client’s) money in order to dominate you; in spite of the fact that the burn-out rate for ProDomming is incredibly high and can lead to low energy or negativity; in spite of the fact that the best of us are utterly capable of making you fall in love with us without ever returning an emotion back to you except indifference; it is the charge of the Dom/me to uphold a basic code of ethics that, at its core, helps the sub to grow and heal from the inevitable scars of life.

I ProDomme still because I know I am helping people, and that email I got reminds me of it. I engineer your suffering to purge you of it. I take on your shame and guilt, your addiction and your perversion, and I make it all bearable via the conduit of my control and my desires. A dirty thing held by a God/dess becomes clean. This is why I never allow people to give feedback once a session has started–“requests” are verboten. You must state yourself, your interests, and your limits upfront, and then you hand the responsibility over to me. When I take responsibility for the session, I take all of your wounds, weaknesses, and confusion and set you free with my wholeness, strength, and clarity. My greatness raises you up. My acceptance of you makes you acceptable. And I am happy to do this for you. I live for this, in fact. This unique way of bonding with someone transcends any one relationship in breadth and power. I become mother, father, God, priest, sister, brother, friend, wife, lover, and teacher. In the best of sessions, the generous energy of you meets the generous energy of me, alchemy occurs, and we are both transformed.

I will continue to be occasionally vulnerable. My heart has broken many times. I have had toxic experiences, and confusing ones, and shameful ones. However, the important thing is that I am able to heal myself and reach out of that place in order to help someone else, guiding them out of their own fog. I know the way out of darkness, because I have walked it myself. How else could I navigate you out of it? And you: you give me the strength to continue to be strong. Thank you for raising me up. I will do everything I can to take you with me.