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Although BDSM is becoming more and more acceptable in the mainstream, one of the top complaints from my slaves, and even many of my friends, is that they have a difficult time finding legitimate dating prospects who are compatible with their kinky interests. This grievance seems to be universal in the scene: I hear it from men, women, the transgendered, Dom/mes, subs, switches, the young, the old, the ugly, and the gorgeous. Case in point, I myself have been more or less single for most of my adult life–shocking, I know! There goes my reputation! I have a hard enough time finding people I even want to have a drink with, much less have sex with. Compound the basic frustrations and frivolities of normal dating with the extremely specific sexual triggers of BDSM, and your typical “dry spell” can easily stretch from months into years, with each passing day bringing less and less hope of meeting an acceptable partner.

Fortunately there are a whole crop of kinky dating sites popping up to help you explore your options in the scene. No matter what your kink is, there is now a place to meet likeminded individuals in a geographic location near you (especially Antarctica…there’s TONS of perverts there)! Thanks to the internet, there is no reason you can’t be out there meeting your fellow freaks every night of the week.

My go-to for many years was, of course, Fetlife. Although it has recently become somewhat watered down by horny vanillas and hedonists, it is still a great place to look for events and network with friends and acquaintances on the scene. I have met several great dates off of Fetlife, a few not so great ones, and many new friends who have in turn introduced me to their hot friends and colleagues. The best use of the site for me has been to help formalize the relationships I have started in real life–an asset which should not be underestimated. One of the biggest problems with being single is the impatience it breeds. If you can forget for a moment how desperate and lonely you are, you might find an event on fetlife that actually lets you have a little fun and (brace yourself) potentially meet a dating prospect in a traditional, “real time” setting. Loneliness reads online as easily as it reads in real life, so my suggestion is to not use Fetlife as an excuse to moan, but to take advantage of the networking tools it has and expand your social circle. And mine the event RSVP lists for fresh meat when you’re done.

Coming up fast on the tails of Fetlife is a site called iFet. It seems to answer a lot of the qualms that people have with Fetlife, and has an infrastructure that will support longterm growth and a very large user base. Although they haven’t launched their dating component yet, keep your eye on this site as a major resource down the line. Their events page, for instance, is a great place to find out about the important fetish events near you, not just lame backyard BBQs or “tickle a sadist” type holidays that have taken over the Fetlife events section. iFet has also started a ProDomme directory for anyone wanting to scratch the itch with a professional.

I recently found this Mistress and Dominatrix Dating site while randomly browsing online. It is part of a larger site called xxxsexguides.com which covers a lot of ground in the sex and kink world, from escorts to dating to transexuals. The format of their dating portion seems easy to use and pretty comprehensive, though I’m not sure how they are qualifying “Dominatrix”; it seems they may be thinking of any dominant woman or Mistress as a Dominatrix, which is not correct (Dominatrices are specifically professional dominants). Still though, they list some other microsites which seem like they have great potential: Mistress ContactsSubs And MastersSubmissive Planet and Meet BDSM are all fabulous ideas for niche dating sites. Some of the women’s profiles look pretty enticing, and it seems like a good meeting ground for lifestyle D/s practitioners who are seeking a relationship.

For those of you looking to take a gamble on the slot machine of compatibility, OkCupid has been around for ages. My understanding is the site’s dating pool is a lot better in England than the US, or at least the people I know in the scene in England who use OkCupid have a seemingly endless supply of sexy Ok-candidates. I know a few people in the states who have done well off of it, but there are a few things intrinsically wrong with the US setup. The pool in New York is so large, for instance, that it literally feels like trying to find a needle in a haystack (a cheesy, smarmy haystack from Long Island or New Jersey). You also have to do a fair amount of sifting as well, trying your best to read between the lines to find the kinksters hiding in plain sight. I personally love the challenge of “converting” vanillas, but the sheer volume of horny creeps and selfish egomaniacs online in NYC eventually turned me off of OkCupid forever. And then there’s the terribly awkward moment when you see someone you know from real life; because almost everyone has an OkCupid profile these days, it’s inevitable you will recognize someone–chances are it’s someone you would rather not see you. If you have a bit more patience, or live outside of NYC, or don’t mind the privacy breach, it may be worth the affordable monthly membership.

There are about a million other options out there, and it can be overwhelming thinking about all the different forums in which to meet people. I’ll give you a breakdown of the most popular ones and whether or not I think it’s worth your time. At one point I had a profile on CollarMe (which is being revamped and relaunched as KinkUnity), but I was so inundated with timewasters and groveling slaves that I shut my profile down; hopefully KinkUnity is a better site when it goes live. I was on Alt for about 24 hours before they kicked me off for being a ProDomme (I wasn’t advertising, but apparently they hate Pros!); I have heard good things about Alt, but mostly from swingers and middle-aged kinksters. I have heard success stories about Adult Friend Finder, though I have no experience with it personally. You can also try any of the other traditional, vanilla dating sites out there if you’re up for a round of “spot the kinkster” and don’t mind a ton of boring losers emailing you. I have managed to find a handful of hot open-minded men on Tinder and Sparkology, though I ultimately signed off for most of the same reasons that OkCupid bothered me. As for eHarmony and Match, I know a few couples who initially met off of those sites, but if you are in the NYC area I order you to not even bother with either. Finally, I need to give a quick shout-out to the ABDL’s here with a site called Diapermates; though I have never had a membership the premise is pretty self-explanatory!

It was mostly curiosity that inspired me to sample all of these dating sites for a few weeks at a time. However, with one or two exceptions, if they are pushing you to buy a membership I would say your money is better spent going to bars and parties with friends and networking the old fashioned way. I’ll be writing more soon about what it takes to get into a good headspace to meet your ideal kinky partner in real life, but if you are not quite ready to give up on online dating I wish you all happy hunting! Drop me an email if any of this helped you to meet someone special, or at least gave you the inspiration to stop compulsively masturbating and go outside for a few hours.

 

NB: I am not in a relationship at present, nor am I seeking one. After many years dallying about online, I am happy to say that all of my experiences now come from “real life.” Though my adventures in online dating definitely helped me figure out what I’m looking for, they helped me to also find value in NOT looking. I respect my time and energy a lot more now, and I am becoming increasingly discerning about who I see in my private life. In summary: kinky online dating HAS helped me. It helped me raise my standards! I have given up on the fantasy of meeting that “perfect match” online and now can focus my attention on creating real time connections and experiences which are, for me, far more satisfying.

 

 

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Below is an email from one of my favorite slaves. I am grateful for his gratitude, adore his adoration, and put tremendous thought into my sessions with him–because before and after each session he puts tremendous thought towards me. As a ProDomme, I can never love you. But I take your love for me, revel in it, churn it inside of me and wrap you back up inside it like a blanket. This is why it’s so important to give yourself fully and joyfully to your Domme, especially in a heavy D/s dynamic. A Domme is merely a movie projector in the cinema of your being: whatever small reel of yourself you decide to hand over, she will cast it ten times high on the walls. Give bitterness, and she shows you bitterness. Give impatience, and she shows you impatience. Give respect and worship, and she will raise your name up to the sky.

Submission is never perfect, but this comes pretty close.

I have one comment that I want to explain. “You use everything.” This is what I said, not very clearly, after my last session with you. I had something specific in mind. Before the session, when we were discussing possibilities for roleplay, I said that part of the interest of a revenge scenario is that it could incorporate reversals, but a reversal would be impossible for me, because I wouldn’t be able to interact with you as an equal. You not only incorporated this problem into the scene, you assigned it to me as a task, and made it central: my failure to approach you as an equal in the date scenario triggered the revenge scenario.

You did something similar the time before that. That time, I remember, I brought a lot of bad energy to the session. In addition to my usual nervousness, I was distracted by worries about false issues, and then I was terrified of some of the play with water. I also had a very full bladder; earlier, worried that I might get dehydrated, I had overcompensated by drinking a lot of water. Again you incorporated all of my problems into the session, forcing me to confess my inadequacies, pushing me to confront my fear of drowning until my fear response exhausted itself, and humiliating me by having me piss into a drain on the deck under the open sky. The water motif nicely tied together the entire afternoon.

Of course you also use whatever good energy I bring. My desire to submit. How I want to entertain you and not disappoint you.

You’re very perceptive of my capabilities and problems, and you seem to know how to use all of them. The feeling of your curiosity being directed toward me, your opening me up and absorbing and manipulating me, is powerful. I also appreciate your suggestions for ways I could improve, not just as a submissive but as a person. It is odd to come away from a session dedicated to humiliation with a sense that I need to get better at saying good things about myself. But really touching.

-slave A 

 

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Masochists, look alive: I will be offering a three-month special with Mistress Wynter for anyone brave enough to accept. She and I have been friends for years and work very well as a team. If you’re not familiar with her–you better ass’ somebody! She is probably the top CP Domme in New York, possibly in the “Top 10” of caning Dommes worldwide, and has a sterling reputation as a responsible and delightful member of the New York fetish community. Don’t believe me? Check out her twitter!

  • Who: You. Me. Wynter.
  • What: Being disciplined for one solid hour or until you safeword (at which point the session ends).
  • Where: Wonderland or Wall Street, your choice.
  • When: Whenever she and I can see you.
  • Why: Because you want to reach new levels of pain and ecstasy with two of New York’s top Dommes.

Implements include: canes, crops, floggers, whips, paddles, tawses, straps, quirts, belts, bullwhips, and of course bare hands for warm-up. Email to discuss scheduling and details. Anyone coming to Wall Street will need to provide a reference from another independent.

Looking forward to beating you! Er, meeting you! Er, both!

coco-de-mer-mic-shop-front

I’m honored to be starting as an instructor this fall at the luxury lingerie store Coco de Mer in London. I’ll be offering my first course October 30th as part of their Sensual Education salon series–just in time for Halloween! The salon is called The Marvels of Role Play and offers both BDSM and D/s basics as well as a step-by-step guide to conceiving and executing your most exotic scenarios in the bedroom (or any other room you like). If you’re interested in taking the class, please sign up here. Feel free to drop me an email in advance of the salon to introduce yourself. I love saying hello to new students!

Based in London, Coco de Mer has some of the finest undergarments I’ve ever had the pleasure of wearing. They sell truly exquisite sex toys and upscale BDSM equipment for people who want to enrich their love life with designer tools and accessories. If you’ve never been to their shop in Covent Garden, I highly recommend stopping in. It feels like stepping into a delicious time warp, back to the days when modest Victorian mores turned our basic sexual needs into elegant, erotic reverie. If you want to spoil your lover or partner (or me for that matter) this is an ideal shop to visit. And for all of you based outside the UK, their online store is pretty comprehensive.

London Fetish Weekend

There is an event in London every fall that is so absolutely loaded-down with amazing events and parties that I literally order you to attend, whether you’re a sub or not! The London Fetish Weekend, which runs September 4th-7th this year, is four days of debauchery catering to both the international fetish party circuit as well as London’s locals. My good friend Mistress Absolute is at the helm, and she and her amazing team work tirelessly yearound to create an itinerary for the weekend that tests the reserves of even the most die-hard party animal (i.e. me). There are a few all-weekend passes left, which I recommend if you are considering doing even three of the seven events. For anyone hoping to run into me, I will give you a breakdown of the events I’ll be attending. You are always welcome to make a polite introduction if you see me out at a fetish function.

My weekend begins Thursday night when I will be stopping into the Camden Crunch. If you’ve not been to the Crunch before, it’s somewhere between a fetish club (because it’s loaded with kinksters) and a munch (because it’s at a “normal bar”). My friend Alex runs the evening, and lately he has been filling the venue to capacity. 600 kinksters packed into a vanilla bar in Camden is absolutely as drunk and awesome as it sounds.

After that I will be doing a double-header on Friday with Peer Kink London and Torture Garden. If you’ve not heard about Peer Kink London, it’s the most educational kink event in London right now; it allows peer-to-peer training and Q&A on whatever kink activity you want to learn more about. The September 5th Peer Kink event is from 7pm-3am at the massive Murder Mile studio which is very conducive to elaborate, private scenes. Though not affiliated with the London Fetish Weekend, I definitely want to attend at least the first half of Peer Kink in order to lend my knowledge and skill for anyone interested in BDSM and domination. Then I’ll be dancing the night away at Torture Garden, the largest fetish club in the world. It’s at Electrowerkz for September, and you can get tickets here. The best nights of my life have been at Torture Garden. Yes, that is a bold statement, and yes, it is totally true. I wrote a story about my epic party times at Torture Garden; you can read it here.

On Saturday I will be at Club Subversion in one of my new latex outfits. My two default designers are Slaughterhouse Couture and House of Harlot, and I often commission an outfit from one of them when I’m planning on making it to Subversion. Nothing gets me amped for a night out like a new outfit, after all? Both designers offer bespoke latex clothing which is the best way to do latex, especially if you have an exceptional figure like me (tiny waist and massive tits). For anyone going to Subversion, it is an excellent venue to showcase your latex–although all fetish attire is welcome.

As for Sunday, I don’t know that I’ll have anything left. But if I do, I’ll put in an appearance on the Kinky Bus Tour of London! A glass of champagne and a photo tour is a great way to cap such a decadent weekend.

 

 

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I’ve finally decided to open an Instagram. Follow me at @MistressDarcy. If you don’t have an Instagram account and don’t give a care, then get with the f**king program! It’s #2014! Create an account for yourself just so you can follow me. My Instagram is essentially an image chronicle of my delicious comings and goings as a Domme. Many of the images are culled from my personal life, some of them depict me dominating slaves, some of them showcase my fellow Dommes, etc. It’s just a fabulous, authentic way to help my fans and friends participate in my crazy lifestyle even if they are on the other side of the world. I share some of my Instagram pics on Twitter as well but some of them will stay within Instagram only, thus it is in your best interests to follow me on both so as not to miss a filthy thing.