In one of my last articles I talked a lot about online dating. And in one of my next articles, I’m planning on going into detail on how to find the right kinky partner for you. However, I feel I need to acknowledge the seeming dissonance of a dominatrix advising her clients to seek healthy, happy relationships outside of session. It seems pretty bad for business, huh? On the contrary: a happy sub makes for a happy Domme. Plus I have enough subs that even if half of you reading this went out and started dating straightaway, I would still have more than enough sessions to keep me busy.
As much as possible I try to help my subs get to a place where they can start to date successfully on the scene, including personal advice outside of session when I have time, as well as one on one relationship coaching and phone consultations. I believe in decompartmentalisation as much as is appropriate for your life and location: I am pro-kink, pro-honesty and proelationship. Visiting a dominatrix in no way precludes having a healthy dating life or even life partner. As long as the Domme is skilled and respects emotional boundaries, the two relationships are very different: one is professional, and the other is personal. Seeing a Domme is a lot different than having an affair or going to a prostitute or escort. All of those examples provide an experience that you are, more or less, meant to find in your primary relationship. Why pay for sex when you can get it from your partner? Why seek emotional intimacy from an affair when you are meant to find it at home? Kink is a different story, however, as by definition a “kink” is something that marks you as “different from the norm.” I wish it weren’t this way, and that more “vanilla” women would “spice it up” more with their husbands without shame, fear, or guilt, but for now most ProDommes are able to excel at things that many other women can’t, or sometimes simply won’t.
The more a Domme specializes and excels at her craft, the less chance you will experience that same level of play with your significant other. When you need a back rub, you might ask for one at home. If you need a chiropractic adjustment, however, most people don’t ask their girlfriend or boyfriend; they go to a specialist. The things that I offer range from the standard bondage, discipline, and sadomasochism to extremely complex and psychologically delicate scenarios like age play, behavior modification, ego deconstruction, sissification, forced bi, cuckolding, and public humiliation scenes. Most spouses and partners are not going to be able to offer that menu, and if they can, why the hell are you going to a dominatrix? If you just need to be tied up and spanked every once in awhile then you should stay at home and play there. However, if all of the following are true I see no reason not to see a dominatrix.
- you have an honest, trusting, loving and communicative relationship with your partner
- you have realized through extensive talks that he or she is not interested in ever dominating you in extreme ways
- you can afford to session at no detriment to your home or family
- you are able to maintain emotional boundaries in session and not lose sexual or romantic interest in your partner
- you will still be able to balance your “extra-curricular activities” with being a good partner/spouse/parent
Many of the top ProDommes I know are actually very careful to extricate their own sexuality from their sessions, though most would not be willing to admit that publicly as it kills a lot of the fantasy. You the sub may be physically turned on, but most often the Domme is not; anyone who says differently is probably just advertising. A Domme’s frigidity is actually for the benefit of everyone involved. It’s not wise for a ProDomme to become too aroused, since she needs to keep her wits about her in order to conduct the scene properly and honor your limits. Some aspects of BDSM are highly technical and require intense concentration, and most aspects of domination require selflessness on the part of the dominant. If a Domme gets distracted by her own sexual arousal, as opposed to the joint pleasure of both Domme and sub, it becomes boring for the sub and possibly even dangerous. I also find that giving in to the sexual desires of a client puts us on a more even footing…which I hate. I prefer to withhold any and all sexual contact with me; it keeps me firmly planted in the realm of “unattainable.”
I want to make the distinction here between sexual arousal and mental and emotional arousal. Having either mind or heart operating on overdrive is a great way to run a scene. Almost all of my sessions, by design, inspire me to be highly mentally aroused. It has to do partly with my obsession with D/s, but also the fact that if I get bored you won’t be long behind me. I also sometimes let myself get swept away in sentiment. Just the other night, a 60-year old sub came to me for a first session. He was on heart attack medication and could not stay erect, though I kept him in his underwear the whole time so I didn’t care either way. I myself was physically aroused for about ten minutes while he was giving me a foot massage (I know, eating my own words here) but other than that was feeling very stern and cold. There was a curious moment, though, when he was on the floor kneeling in front of me. He started speaking about his own submission, his desire to give himself to me completely, almost to blink out of existence for my benefit. Normally when slaves start talking that way I tune out, since it’s coming from a place of self-indulgent “me me me” fantasy that has nothing to do with the actual woman standing in front of them. This time, though, something about the timbre of his voice caught my attention. He was speaking from the heart. I not only believed him, I could tell that he was actually speaking to me, live and in the flesh, instead of narrating some kinky porn clip running in his mind. I suddenly found myself welling up, and though I didn’t let him see it, I was deeply touched by his willingness to put my needs above all else–including his own dignity and wellbeing.
It was an example of a great session because of the authentic surrender that occurred. He had no expectations and was not hung up on his own sexual release: all of his energy was going towards making himself vulnerable to me and legitimately making me feel honored and superior. As a result I gave back to him tenfold and was moved to tears in the process. Although it’s not common for me to have that kind of emotional reaction, I try to replicate a similar D/s dynamic whenever possible. Most of the sessions I do are D/s-based, which means there is a significant psychological component and fixed, unequal power structure. I find that although my subs can become aroused in the process, there is something more profound than arousal that occurs in deep sub space. It is an existential shift, wherein the dominant literally creates meaning and structure for the sub which was not there before. The only thing more primal than sexuality is life itself, including your idea of who you are in the world. So while a session can certainly rely on a heavy exchange of sexual energies, it is not always the centerpiece of the experience. If you are not fixated on your own orgasm, you may find something else far more satisfying. And furthermore, you can go back to your wife or life partner feeling perhaps a tidge less guilty about your experience with your Domme. After all, you were there to serve HER.
In the words of Bob Dylan, “we all have to serve somebody.” It’s best to not let it be yourself.