This is a candid snap taken when I was relaxing with a few friends in London last year. I came across it as I was tidying up my computer and thought, why not: I’ll give you all a little glimpse into my personal life. But I also want to give you the parameters for this privileged information so that you don’t ever take my gifts for granted.
Most ProDommes have personal lives that are very separate from their professional personas. I would imagine the same is true of most people, from NFL players to runway models. And most of my clients are successful professionally, so I know it can be true for malesubs as much as FemDommes. My personal and professional self are very separate. Sort of. There’s lots of reasons for that, some of which you can guess at, some of which you’ve probably never thought about.
If I’m kinky 24/7 I get burned out. To channel and express a lot of high-intensity sexual energy requires tremendous fuel, and if I Domme hard, I must usually rest hard. This means that sometimes after a session I want to do the furthest thing from BDSM. I like to occasionally clean the entire studio myself, a mundane task that puts me in an almost meditative state. I don’t always have the hours to spare for that, obviously, so I outsource it to my slaves and helpers most of the time, but anything that works my body and relaxes my mind is an important counterweight to my job. If I need a quick de-stress I’ll hit the gym and watch “my shows” while I’m on the treadmill. My favorite show is The Walking Dead, but I also loved every episode of Boardwalk Empire and True Detective season one. I’m currently working my way through Daredevil with the orgasm-inspiring Charlie Cox. I like action-packed television because it transports me far away from the intimacy of my sessions, while at the same time giving me that delicious rush that adrenaline junkies like myself so often crave.
One element of BDSM that takes a lot of energy, purely because it requires intense discernment and focus, is making it about the other person. In professional situations, and especially with subs who I may not know all that well or might be seeing for the first time, there has to be at least some attention to what they want: this is integral to “consent” and also to repeat customers. I don’t mean service domination, which I personally detest in my own practice, but an acknowledgement of the sub’s needs, interests, and limitations in order to integrate them throughout the session as much as is appropriate. I must first listen to what they tell me they want, then look, listen and feel to what they want that they haven’t told me; this is a deeper level of listening as sometimes subs either aren’t aware of their more profound needs or may not know how to articulate them. Then there’s a third step of taking what I’ve received from them and pushing it through the filter of my own desire; I must literally outsmart each sub, figuring out on a case by case basis how to behave within the structure of their submission while still maintaining control. It’s not always easy, though I have gotten better at it over the years. Sometimes a client will have a lot of resistance to being actually out of control, instead preferring to live in the fantasy of submission. This of course creates a whole host of other complications and energy-draining detours, which is part of the reason I charge so much.
If I’m dominating in my personal life, I usually expend less energy, because I’m not taking energy to feel someone out (if they are a familiar sub or partner), not filtering their desires through my own, and almost never dealing with anyone who has resistance to submission. When I spend time with a personal partner, there is also usually more chemistry in the room than with my clients. I’m able to focus on what I want, which feeds what he or she wants, which feeds back into me in a beautiful, horny cycle. This is the ecosystem of desire that professional sessions try to emulate, and while it is literally my job to engineer chemistry with all of my clients, it is of course easier and less tiring to relax into the chemistry I already have with the lucky subs in my personal life.
One of the things that makes my professional session so intense is that I draw on reality, which often constitutes emotional edge play. It is a way for me to avoid feeling like I’m serving YOU, since many times the client will participate in the scene initially only insomuch as it aligns with his fantasy of how the scene should play out. For me there is nothing more satisfying than toying with your everyday persona–not just the “sub self” who willfully visits me in the dungeon, but the “real self” that walks out of the session and back onto the subway, quaking and disoriented as you make your way home. There is a part of every sub that wants to surpass the fantasy of surrender and enter the free fall of actual helplessness. You’re still in partial control when you present your fantasy self, so I prefer to take it further and wrench every scrap of control away from you by entering the forbidden self: your vanilla. I will always honor your hard limits and discretion, even if I intentionally give you the impression that I will not, but I also want access to the parts of your psyche that you’re not willing to give to other Dommes.
I myself will frequently draw on my personal life in session, teasing you with details of my pastimes, love life, thoughts, desires, and interests. Sometimes I want you to think I want you. I almost never do. Sometimes I want to fill your head with thoughts of us as a couple, and how I might look next to you at a dinner party, or on our honeymoon. Other times I want you to feel that you know me so well you can tell me anything, doling out just enough detail about my own life to make you trust me with the full details of yours. Most of what you say to me will be used against you, at some point, but only with the ultimate purpose of helping you become a better person. Benevolent malevolence, if you will. I have a tremendous memory for detail in person, and a delicate eye: I can pic you apart with a single glance, drawing conclusions about who you are and what you do without you ever speaking a word. After seeing thousands of clients over the years with many of my own personal relationships along the way, I’ve developed a bullshit radar that can detect your lies before you’ve even spoken them. By the same token, I am an expert liar, and many times I’m more convincing when I’m deceiving you than when I’m telling the truth. So in short: you can never be sure whether what I’m saying is true or false, but I am almost always aware of whether you are.
All of the above is interesting, but it’s just preamble: colorful tech-talk for those of you who enjoy the nerdy how and why of submission. I have been thinking about how to word this next part for many days now, since I’m becoming increasingly comfortable with the integration of my two selves and want to preserve and honor both my kink and my vanilla. They could not be farther apart, but at the same time one bolsters the other. My strength as a Domme comes in large part from the fact that I am brave enough to bring my authentic self into my sessions, including moments of vulnerability. By the same token I am gaining power and ferocity in my vanilla career by embracing my sadistic Femdom self, allowing the full alpha to show up and at times take over in my personal life.
The most relevant point I want to make, however, is that you must always honor whichever self I choose to show you, and don’t ever, EVER demand to know more. If I share something with you, it is because it benefits me to do so, not because I am trying to make you feel good, entice you, seduce you, or further stiffen your vulgar erection. In other words: I share because I feel like sharing, not because you want me to share. If you pose a question about my personal life it is, most of the time, either a grasping for power or a pathetic flailing towards your delusion of being my lover. Knowledge puts you on a more equal footing with me, as does the simulation of “regular conversation,” which neither of us actually wants. I may imitate casual dialogue in my time with you, but it’s merely another trick in my bag; the goal is to disorient you, displace your ego, and eventually destroy the person you thought you were and rebuild you in the image of who I think you should be. Ironically I am committed to your catharsis, and you sabotage that when you insist on being my equal.
Are you starting to see the idiocy of assuming you have any right to my personal life, or could even understand it if I told you everything you wanted to know? My inner world is as vast and breathtaking as the night sky, and though you may be a devoted astrologist, obsessed with every glimmering detail I reveal, you do not own that sky and cannot demand that it reveal itself any more than it does on any given night. If you could see every single star in the sky, you would see nothing but light; the night would evaporate and you would go blind. Better to enjoy the details as I see fit to dispense them: sporadic and fine, like exquisite candies dropped from my lips onto yours.
If this poetry is lost of any of you, let me be more clear: don’t ask me about my personal life. Don’t ask if I’m single, don’t ask if I’m married. Don’t ask my weight or age or orientation or name, or where my family lives, or what my childhood was like. Don’t ask what I do “in real life.” Don’t ask if I’ve had sex recently, or if I masturbate before, after or during sessions. Don’t believe me when I say I want to date you. Don’t believe me when I talk about our honeymoon. Don’t take my sex-chat as an invitation: it has everything to do with me and nothing to do with you. You’re another item on my to do list. I’ll complete you with the energy and passion that I complete everything else during my day, but I will always be more special to you than you are to me. You want it that way, otherwise you’d just have a normal girlfriend.
We create Gods and Goddesses for a reason: we want someone to look up to. When you’ve descended too low and hoisted that Goddess up too high, the disparity can sometimes become unbearable for your fragile ego. It’s then that you start with the question-asking. When you demand that Goddess share herself with you, you tear her down from her pedestal and try to scrabble up on top of it yourself. Just stop. Let me be mysterious. Let me be powerful. Let me be the vast unknown before you. Quiet yourself, and sit in the still of the night, watching the sparkling sky with a sense of awe, wonder and gratitude. If you’re lucky and you wait long enough, you just might catch a glimpse of a shooting star.