Photo Matt Christie

I believe everyone, somehow, in some way, is kinky. Finally science is catching up to prove it. Because of this, kink is a misnomer. It denotes a deviation from the norm, and the sexual norm is no more than a statistical average. Furthermore, “the norm” is not as normal as many of us would once have believed. Even factoring in hesitancy to disclose, this study indicates that more than 20% of people polled admitted to practicing kink in the form of bondage, spanking, or roleplay.

While there is a bell curve of sexual interests within human society—some generally agreed-upon activities that are the most usual amongst humans and comprise the bulk of sexual thoughts—everything outside of that average was created in the human brain organically. No one “placed” kinky desires in us, nor did the vast majority of us kinksters attempt to indoctrinate ourselves with unusual sexual interests. As long as you believe in science over sin, there is a perfectly scientific process for the development of kink that relates to brain chemistry.

Whomever first experiences a “kink” or “fetish” had a neural bridge built in their brain to connect an idea, object, body part, experience, sensory stimulus or experience, to his or her organic sexual response. These neural bridges can be built quickly and efficiently; it is as easy as placing a velcro jacket on a rat during its first sexual experience to create a lifelong velcro jacket fetish.

In my own personal experience, and from what I have seen after 10 years of being a dominatrix, human beings function in much the same way. Our first sexual explorations are often inextricably linked to the circumstances surrounding them as we grow into adulthood. The socks our babysitter wore when we had our first moment of arousal can lead to a lifetime sock fetish. The feeling of being deeply loved and cared for during toddler toilet training can later develop into the longing for an erotic bond through toilet servitude. Members of the clergy can come to eroticize…well….anything.

There are as many ways to understand and express kink as there are human beings on the planet. What’s more, it’s a completely organic process that has, initially, nothing to do with our will or control. Kink and sexual desires are about about as God-given as it gets. Whether we indulge in them it is a different story, however. Not all kinks are meant to be explored, particularly the non-consensual ones. Indulging fetishes usually intensifies them, so after a certain point we need to take responsibility for kinks that are unhealthy and stop feeding the brain chemistry around them.

At the very least, however, I believe there is no such thing as deviant sexuality. If sexual desire can literally take any form depending on circumstance, then initial kink has nothing to do with will power and everything to do with luck. Sexual desire is as vast and byzantine as the 7.5 billion people on this planet, and with science showing it is proven possible to eroticize anything, even psychotherapy itself, it is becoming more and more evident that there is no deviance: only sexuality, and the manifold ways it can express itself. Thankfully, I haven’t developed an attraction to velcro jackets yet. Or nuns. But there’s always tomorrow…

Photo: Ian Reid. Goddesses: Mistress Darcy and Goddess Aviva. Slaves: random white dude and Bob Revolver.

Super Beginner BDSM

If you’re sick of boring dates that end in normal sex and are ready to jettison your dating life into warp speed, take a few hours to spruce up your photo collection and read the below. You’ll be kink-functional in no time. If you’re still vanilla-leaning and want to take it slow, just hint that you’re kink-curious on OKC, Tinder or Bumble (which is great for females who like to swipe but hate being inundated with idiotic messages). If you’re ready for the deep end, then sign up for some of the kinky dating and social networking sites out there like Fetlife and Whiplr.

Take note: there are a few terms you should know before you banter. There’s no shame in being a newbie. (It’s kind of hot, actually.) But these kinky phrases will fast-track your flirting and make sure you don’t look like a vanilla dork.

Just remember the golden rule of consent. If it’s not consensual, it’s not cool! Know the difference, educate yourself, and don’t break your playthings. Above and beyond that, pretty much anything goes. There are too many online dating sites available now for anyone to feel their sexual interests are singular. You name it, someone else is into it. Best of luck to you, and if you want to explore further after reading this article check out my advice for Finding Your BDSM Soulmate.

BDSM – The most politically correct and comprehensive term for kink. B stands for bondage, D stands for discipline, and SM stands for sadism and masochism. There’s an additional acronym within the term: DS means Dominance and submission. BDSM doesn’t have to involve sex or sex acts, though it’s usually erotic in some capacity.

Consent – The permission to receive or administer some form of BDSM activity, be it physical or nonphysical. Consent just means permission. It can be accomplished with something as simple as, “is it okay if I touch you/spank you/hug you/take off your undies?” Let the person give you a verbal “yes” to be 100% safe.

Scene – An erotic BDSM exchange of some sort. It can happen in private or public, with two people or dozens, and does not need to include sex. Scenes can vary greatly in intensity and are the kink equivalent of a hook-up.

Dominant – A person in power in a BDSM context. Also called a Dom or Domme. There’s a necessary psychological control or power hierarchy involved in Domming that extends past physical activities. Sometimes used interchangeably with topping.

Submissive – A person who gives up power in a BDSM context. Also called a sub or slave. Subbing is the flip side of Domming, and there’s a necessary psychological surrender involved. Sometimes used interchangeably with bottoming.

Switch – Someone who likes to both dominate and be dominated. It literally means being able to “switch” between the two roles. You can switch with the same partner, or be a Dom/me with one person and a sub with another. Preferences can depend entirely on whom you’re with and what you’re doing.

Top – A person who enjoys the physical aspects of giving BDSM without engaging in a great deal of psychological control. You can top someone while still viewing them as an “equal” when you’re topping them. Often related to sensual, service domination, or physical sadism without the psychological control.

Bottom – A person who enjoys the physical aspects of receiving BDSM without giving over to the psychological surrender of submission. You can bottom without viewing your top as “superior,” for instance, or be solely a masochist with no psychological surrender.

Bondage – The restraint of your partner’s body in an erotic or aesthetic context. Rope, chains, tape, and leather or latex accessories are common, though any object used in a restrictive manner is technically bondage.

Discipline – The act of controlling a submissive’s behavior with rules imposed by the Dom/me and subsequent rewards and punishments when those rules are obeyed or disobeyed. It can also be a catchall term for impact play, including spanking and corporal punishment. Discipline can refer to either a psychological or physical practice of disciplining someone, or both in one.

Sadism – Deriving stimulation from giving someone physical pain. People who enjoy inflicting emotional wounds or engaging in psychological edge play are sometimes called emotional sadists. (Yes it’s a thing, and when done properly can be very hot.) Most sadists identify as dominant in some capacity.

Masochism – Receiving stimulation from feeling physical pain in an erotic context. Masochists don’t necessarily identify as subs or bottoms—some dominants are masochists as well: it can be a purely physical pleasure.

D/s – Dominance and submission, capitalization for effect. This is a kind of relationship dynamic based on a mutual agreement of power exchange. The act of submitting to another mandates a consensual participation in a hierarchy of power with (temporary) inequality at its core, for the sake of the experience. The greater the difference in power, the “greater the high” for both partners. D/s can involve physical activities, but can also be completely psychological with no physical contact.

Limit/Hard Limit – Anything you or your partner absolutely does not want to do, or an activity that, for whatever reason, you “can’t handle.” By and large, hard limits should be honored 100% and never violated. No explanations need to be given for why something is a limit: It is simply taken as fact. Dom/mes can have hard limits as well as subs.

Safeword – A word (sometimes substituted for a gesture or sound) that indicates a submissive has reached his or her limit. Dominants can safeword as well, though it is much more common for a submissive to require a safeword as they are usually on the receiving end of the activity.

Aftercare – The period after a scene in which both parties recover from the activities in the scene. Typically a submissive will need more aftercare, but a dominant can and should receive attention as needed. Aftercare can last anywhere from a few moments up to a few months, depending on the intensity of the scene.

Unicorn – Any rare combination of erotic circumstances/traits. Traditionally an unattached, attractive female sought out by a kinky couple looking for a third partner. Everyone has their own version of a unicorn based on their interests.

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This isn’t an endorsement of Trump, but it is an endorsement of his peculiar ability to provide a brutally honest assessment of the status quo. I think the reason so many people respond to Trump positively is that he is an emotional candidate who takes stock of things in a raw, unapologetic way and responds swiftly to stumbling blocks with words, not actions, whenever he can. It’s a trait many of us wish we had: the ability to do something about the things that bother us.

Have you tried that same tactic on with your own life ever? How about your sex life? How about your marriage? Take a page from Trump and get real with the situations you’ve created for yourself. It’s uncomfortable, but it’s the only way you can start to bring about change.

The majority of my clients are unhappy in some way with their sex life or romantic partnership. I provide an outlet for them to temporarily fix the problem, but the looks on their faces as many of them leave tells me they didn’t want their time with me to ever end. What a horrible way to go through life: feeling as though you’re only really truly living for a few hours each week. Of course we all have moments that are more enjoyable than others–highlights and low lights–but I’m challenging you to raise the bar on your joy and demand that your life be better. Especially your sex/kink life. (NB: sex and kink are by no means the same thing, but I put them together in the same phrase because they’re often related.)

Every single person out there who is sexually energized deserves to express that sexuality whenever and however they can, criminals and abusers aside obviously! Chances are your sex drive and kink drive really aren’t hurting anyone, so if you’re unfulfilled it begs the question: why are you allowing that unfulfillment?

I’m used to being the highlight of my clients’ day/week/month/year, and frankly I love it. I see my role as somewhere between Seductress and Shaman. As long as there are tales of love, there will be tales of the Woman You Cannot Have, but surely there’s a happy medium. You might not be able to BE with me, or be my slave all the time, every day, but for too many kind, devoted, and otherwise intelligent clients of mine there is a chasm between the fantasy of having someone like me as their partner and the partner they actually have (if they are even partnered at all).

I have enough clients that it in no way threatens my livelihood to encourage them to get out and start meeting men and women on the lifestyle scene, if they’re single. If my client is married and in a sexually repressed partnership, I offer coaching, female empowerment courses for wives and girlfriends, and double sessions that have literally transformed marriages. There’s no reason to have your fantasies impossibly far from your reality. You can have it all.

Take stock of your happiness right now. Are you joyful in your personal life situation? If so, go away: we’re commiserating over here. If not, write out a description of your perfect and complete dream life. What is the absolute best case scenario for you, especially regarding relationship and partnership? Do you crave one ideal soulmate or a few play partners and a primary? How do you want to feel with that person(s) every day? What are the inner traits in your partner that you want at the forefront of your relationship? How much and what kind of sex/kink would you like to be doing every day?

Becoming a ProDomme changed my sex life forever. Not only do I (feel like I) get younger and hornier every year, but it raised my personal standard on the kind of person I wanted to be with. My definition of physical, emotional and mental chemistry is very, very high now, and it was my experiences in kink that helped me claim that standard. Thanks to kink and D/s I also demand people treat me well now, and I won’t tolerate an oppressive relationship in any form. My journey took eight years, but it’s been worth the wait. If you had guaranteed happiness waiting at the end of eight years of personal development and exploration, wouldn’t you start today?

Postscript: I am not, nor would I ever, vote for Donald Trump.

Part 2 of 2. More considerations for taking a submissive into your hands.

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Physical Safety vs. Psychological Safety

By and large the most painful wounds in BDSM are psychological. Body wounds can heal fairly quickly (aside from lacerations and broken bones), and most physical BDSM activities will not leave a permanent scar when done with any sort of knowledge or skill. However, the scars from a psychological mishap or emotional misunderstanding can last years. And years. It’s not only painful for a sub – the guilt a conscientious Dom/me feels after compromising the safety of a scene is, in itself, an excruciating punishment for that person.

Before you engage in any edge play, psychological play, or emotional manipulation in a D/s capacity, you should be very familiar with the likely risks and outcomes for that particular partner with those particular activities. Read my blogs on Psychological Edge Play, Part 1 and Part 2. If you know that someone has a history of psychological instability, it’s not a good idea to play with them intensely at first, or possibly even at all. There are times when a sub will present themselves as stable or “game” for what you offer in a scene, but if your sub does not have a steady constitution at the time, you may inadvertently trigger issues that can be damaging for both of you. You also need to be able to also read a sub’s face and body to quickly detect signs of trouble, since things can go from “great” to “red alert” in three seconds or less.

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If your submissive expresses hurt before, during or after a scene that you sense to be a kind of “meta” hurt, i.e. not something you intended to create but relating to your abilities or intentions as a dominant in general, you must adopt radical maturity and do your best to alleviate their pain. Do not take a person’s emotional landscape lightly, but at the same time try to piece apart what is factual from what is emotional. Sometimes a sub can project past pain onto a Dom/me, which can be very confusing for both parties. Although it is very complicated at times, both Dom/me and sub must both do the best they can to decipher what is the Dom/me’s intention and responsibility in the scene, and what baggage or damage were created by someone else before the scene ever began. Mutual respect and giving the other party the benefit of the doubt is important, and in the absence of a sound resolution you can sometimes rely on prior reputation or history in order to ascertain that person’s views and reactions.
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Mistakes

THEY HAPPEN. You will fuck up. You will misjudge. You will drop, break, and lose things over the years, including relationships. That’s the nature of BDSM – where there is risk, there is reward. We didn’t get into the scene for predictability. Remember your first romantic relationship, back in middle school or high school (or elementary school if you’re me)? Did you make mistakes then? You were learning about love, and this is learning about BDSM – just as dangerous, if not more so. The key difference being that we are adults now, and should, in general, be better suited to avoiding failure than we were as children and teenagers.

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Still, it’s important to keep a sense of levity and grace about your own mistakes, which will in turn help you forgive the mistakes of others. Your subs will fuck up, and you need to be able to both provide structure to correct them and forgiveness when they apologize. They will, in turn, forgive you, provided they are not too traumatized by whatever it is you’ve done!

It IS the job of a dominant to ensure that he or she makes as few mistakes as possible, however, and to understand the stakes of their failures when and if they happen. There are many activities within BDSM that can kill someone, or at the very least send him or her to the hospital. A great, highly technical or risky scene can feel like this sometimes, but it’s worth it to feel like this at the end.

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Recklessness

Good Dom/mes can do bad things. It doesn’t make them bad. The real dangers, i.e. “bad Dom/mes,” are those who are consistently incompetent, unaware of their own power, inconsiderate of others’ limitations, or interested in nonconsent with submissives that have not agreed to a nonconsensual dynamic. All of the above are considered reckless. Reckless Dom/mes will, eventually, face consequences, as they cannot operate continuously in the structure of any local “scene” and not eventually develop a reputation as such. Dom/mes need submissives to exist, otherwise they are just fantasists; most Dominants will eventually find themselves in need of a new play partner, and this will put them back in the scene and searching for a new, willing sub.

Even if a Dom/me becomes well known as being reckless, it does not mean he or she is a bad person. Still, you should always do your homework before playing with a new Dom/me. Does he or she have references? Do your friends know him or her well? Can you ask some basic questions (as equals) to assess BDSM skill level, compassion, listening and intelligence? Do they provide aftercare, if you need it?

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A dominant should go into a scene knowing pretty accurately how anything they are even considering doing to you will affect you physically and psychologically. Again – mistakes happen, and it’s not always easy to be accurate about projected outcomes, but at least if your Dom/me has thought about the effects of the activities on you, you know they care about your wellbeing. There is a huge difference between someone who misjudges a scene, and someone who does not care what a scene does to the submissive emotionally or physically. It is your job as a submissive to assess what kind of person your prospective dominant is, decide whether it is healthy for you to play with them, and, if you do, be as transparent as possible before, during and after the scene about your experience and limitations. Otherwise the recklessness is yours.

In Summary

Playing in the BDSM scene is as complex and potentially dangerous as playing with a weapon, so you should do your utmost to understand the risks before you dive in. That being said, once you understand the rules and safety mechanisms, you can have more fun then you ever thought possible. Try to be a considerate and conscientious Dom/me, and you will win the affection and loyalty of your submissive(s) wherever you go.

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Part 1 of 2. A few things to think about, answer, and consider before you take on the great responsibility of playing with a submissive.

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What brought you here?

Is it that you enjoy control during sex? Or taking your partner on a rollercoaster of pleasure and pain and into the misty peaks of orgasm? Is it the debasement of your submissive? Their devotion and trust? Or the high you get from simply being the boss? Try to ascertain your reasons for wanting to be a Dominant. If you know why you want to explore sexual dominance, you will be much more likely to become good at it.

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Domming vs. Topping

There is an essential psychological component to Domming, wherein you adopt a psychological power position greater than your partner for the purposes of the scene and/or relationship. A top, on the other hand, does not want that responsibility, but wishes mostly to frolic in the fields of physical BDSM activities, minus the D/s role of psychological caretaker. One is not better, or even necessarily more intense than the other, but they are different and need to be understood as separate phenomena.

You should know whether your partner identifies as sub or bottom (or slave), and which experience they are looking for with you at any given time. Don’t give them an experience they don’t want or need if you are capable of giving them what they do want or need – that is bad form. And if you yourself identify as one thing (for instance a sub), but are interested in being another thing for a scene (for instance a bottom), you should declare that upfront so that your Dom/me has all the relevant information and can plan accordingly.

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Safety

Keeping you and your sub safe is at the bedrock of any BDSM scene. You should know in advance what the logistics and basic safety techniques are for any physical BDSM activities you try, whether it’s in a private class or lesson, on YouTube, in a book, or from a friend. If you were to fire a weapon, you would take it upon yourself to learn how to use it, and in BDSM everything can be used as a weapon. Research anything and everything you can before trying something new, and if possible test the activity on yourself first. Self-testing is the best way to assess the damage it could potentially do, or the pleasure it can potentially bring.

As Jay Wiseman put it in SM 101, it’s much better to walk away from a scene wishing you had gone further and feeling excited for the next time, than to have gone too far and damaged yourself or your partner.

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I also highly recommend having a “safety” in place for submissives the first couple of times you play with someone, whether you feel totally comfortable or not. This just means a friend who knows the exact address of where you’ll be who is required to check in with you on the phone a few minutes after you arrive, and again a few minutes before you leave. If they don’t hear from you and can’t get ahold of you, they should be instructed to call the police. Period. It is a helpful courtesy for you to alert your partner of this safety mechanism, to avoid unnecessary law enforcement involvement. You can also use “code words” on the phone if you feel you might be unable to answer normally on the call. If you’re that concerned, though, perhaps reconsider meeting with the person.

I won’t get into the intricacies of everything that can go wrong in a scene, because A) that’s a book in and of itself and B) it would probably depress you and you would be too scared to do anything in the scene for a few months. EMT and/or counselor training comes in handy though, if nothing else for peace of mind.

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Part 2 coming soon…

Liz Taylor Diamonds

Goddess Elizabeth Taylor

Nothing says love like precious gems, so when you’re ready to show your Goddess exactly how much you cherish her, be sure to follow this step-by-step guide. Messing up any one of these aspects of the jewelry ritual could mean your Domme doesn’t feel your love like you intended, and you might end up making a very expensive mistake! But if you get it right, you will stand out from all her other suitors. Speaking from experience: the right piece of jewelry in the right way will make your Goddess remember you forever.

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Goddess Audrey Hepburn

Colors

Find out what your Goddess’ favorite colors are. Ask in general, and at a later time also find out specifically what her favorite jewelry choices are. Does she like silver, gold, or rose gold? Does she like diamonds or emeralds? What are the jewels and precious metals she wears the most?

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Goddess Marilyn Monroe

Types

Ask your Goddess outright: “Ma’am, if you were to receive jewelry as a gift, would you prefer rings, bracelets, necklaces, earrings or something else?” Look at her jewelry collection if you have access to her bedroom (and you feel it might be appropriate to take a peek), and assess what her tastes are so that you can stay in the family of things she likes. It is also totally reasonable to ask her to prepare a Pinterest board or “look book” of jewelry she wants. It is effort on her part, but if you are about to make an investment of several thousand, you need to get it right. And trust me: she won’t mind making the effort.

If you are unable to buy REAL precious gems, you can settle for costume jewelry. I love costume jewelry, personally, and am not elitist about it. For business meetings and day wear, however, I prefer real jewels (diamonds, emeralds, etc.) so it’s good to have a range.

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Goddess Rita Hayworth

Purchase

Go somewhere reputable if you are buying precious gems and be sure to get a gift receipt! Just in case she wants a different color or style. Again: it’s likely several thousand you’re spending, so you want to make sure you get it right. If you are buying costume jewelry make sure it is good quality costume jewelry and won’t just fall apart. Nothing is more embarrassing than buying a gift which breaks shortly after you deliver it.

If you purchase something on sale, you better be DAMN SURE it is perfect for her. Does it match her favorite colors and styles? Is it something she has on her wish list or Pinterest board? If not, be ready to take the gamble that she will be disappointed.

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Goddess Lauren Bacall

Presentation

Every single time you present jewelry to a woman, you must either make sure it’s in a nice box, pouch or bag of some kind, or that you have prepared the environment around you to act as the “dressing” for you to give it to her by hand. Don’t just come up to her in the bathroom when she’s putting on makeup and hold out a chain. Make it a sacred moment between the two of you. Charge it with some emotional weight and power, as you have made quite the investment of time and money by now and deserve to finish the ritual properly!

Your Goddess will appreciate that you took the time not only to select the perfect piece for her, but that you made sure to set the scene. Some options to aid your setting are: low lighting, candles, music, a lunch or dinner, a surprise in bed while she relaxes with a formal breakfast or tea service. You can present on your knees even if it’s not an engagement ring: your Goddess will appreciate the gesture of chivalry, especially if you’re a submissive.

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Goddess Sophia Lauren

Gratitude

Be sure to offer it with an air of gratitude, and don’t expect anything in return except a smile from her. You might offer a few words as well, like “thank you for being the perfect woman, and inspiring me everyday with your natural beauty. These jewels only highlight what is already flawless elegance.”

She will read in your eyes that you are being authentic, and the fact that you ask nothing in return will make her want to give you everything.

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The author showcasing a few recently acquired diamonds. Thanks, slave!

 

 

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With Valentine’s Day on the horizon, I’m thinking a lot about love. I love love. It’s one of those few universal cure-alls that invariably makes any situation better. Whether I’m thrashing a sub’s backside bloody or cradling a sub girl as we drift off to sleep, it’s all done with love. BDSM at its best is an expression of love, and anyone who doesn’t believe that is either misguided or missing out on one of life’s greatest pleasures.

I don’t need kink to express my love, however, and in my private love life kink is something I usually save until I get to know someone–probably because of the extremity with which I express my kink. I’m a hardcore D/s enthusiast, and so BDSM becomes by extension very psychologically intimate. The depth with which I explore my partners’ minds can be the psychological equivalent of being stripped bare in an operating theater and letting a doctor examine you inside and out with a magnifying glass. When you couple that level of psychological intimacy with emotional and physio-sexual intimacy, it can get pretty overwhelming pretty fast.

I prefer to build a solid vanilla relationship with my romantic partners first, or at the very least a vanilla understanding, as long as they are open-minded and accepting of my job. This may sound shocking given my reputation in the industry; many people expect me to demand kink on the first date, but this is something I almost patently refuse to do. With a solid vanilla bond in place, however, I find I can go farther and deeper with someone in our kink because we’ve already established a firm basis of trust and affection.

My need for vanilla connection doesn’t apply to my personal slaves, though. I cherish my slaves, don’t misunderstand me, but I’ve never dated one. They occupy a totally different place in my consciousness, and bring totally different things to my life than a romantic partner. If you ask a slave, and I mean a died-in-the-wool service slave, most will tell you the same thing: they don’t want a Domme to be their friend or lover, they want her to be their owner.

When it comes to a romantic partner, I need someone who is my equal. My ideal is a vanilla-leaning, successful alpha male who is amused by my career as a Domme but not directly impacted by it. I have dated subs, switches, Doms and fetishists (all of which can be alpha males), and because I work so much I need someone who can take my mind off of BDSM when we’re not kinking out together.

This week I’m featured in the New York Observer in an article about New York’s most eligible singles, and in the interview I basically admit to everything I’ve just said. I’m friends with the editor, and as he quizzed me on some of my preferences in relationships, I couldn’t help but open up about my feelings on the topic under his warm and inquisitive gaze. I was a bit surprised to find myself admitting kink chemistry isn’t the first thing I look for in a partner. My subs and clients might be surprised to learn that too, or even put off. However, part of my business model is to offer my authentic self in my sessions. These days I don’t feel the need to hide behind the mask of what people think a Domme should be. What’s true is true: person first, kink second.

All that being said, here are the traits I look for in my King:

Intelligence: He must be at least as smart as me. I also love a man who is MORE intelligent than I am, but it’s rare for me to meet one.

Kindness: Brains are nothing without heart.

Humor: A man who makes me laugh is 100 times more likely to be invited into my bed than one who doesn’t. Humor-wise I’m more Tim and Eric/Danny McBride than Adam Sandler/South Park.

Emotional Support: It’s not enough to be all of the above, I also need a partner who recognizes my emotional needs and can be there to help when I’m having a bad day. Although I am generally happy and successful, I have my moments of sadness and uncertainty just like everyone else.

Adventurous: This is a combination of energetic and open-minded with at least a tolerance of travel. Adventurous means my man doesn’t like to just sit around and watch TV: he’d rather be out sight-seeing, planning our next trip, or out with me in nature. He also has to be open-minded in the bedroom (obviously), as well as socially and creatively flexible.

Looks: Note that this is next to last on the list. That being said, I’m a wreck for a hot male model. Jawline and abs, mmph!

Cool: How else to say it? Don’t be lame or awkward. 

In summary, my ideal man is someone who can embody all these traits and, above all else, prioritize me and give freely of his affection. In return, I treat him as any Queen treats her King: with respect and utmost love. If you have a Queen in your life and have been dying to tell her how you feel, maybe this week is a good opportunity. And if you’re still out there searching for your King or Queen, take heart. I truly believe everyone has someone for them out there in the world.

Photo Stephen Perry

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You’re attractive, professionally successful, and doing just fine on the vanilla dating front thanks to the bevy of dating apps out there. And yet… with a never-ending stream of gorgeous partners at your literal fingertips, you somehow find yourself wanting more. More substance. More layers. More excitement.

That ‘more’ is kink. You’re probably not sure how far you’re willing to go, or even what kinds of activities are available. Maybe you hated 50 Shades of Grey, but it did pique your interest. The more you research, though, the more you realize you don’t know. And frankly, it can be overwhelming. Don’t worry: We all have to start somewhere. Years ago, I was as vanilla as they come. Working as a ProDomme thrust me fast and furious into the world of kink, and eventually, I started exploring it at home. Now, eight years later, my sex life is extraordinary. You CAN have your cake. And eat it too! And do a hot force-feeding scene afterwards with a sexy naked chick tied to a chair.

Thanks to my job as a Dominatrix, I travel the world for kink, and there is one app that has literally changed my dating life forever. No matter where I go, Whiplr seems to have sexy scene players in my age range who are eager to meet up. The search settings allow you to narrow down your basic preferences, and the Dekadom membership helps you get even more specific about who and what you’re looking for. It attracts a broad range of experience levels as well, from skilled scene veterans to excited newbies who’ve never even tried a blindfold. I adore introducing vanillas to the scene, so it’s thrilling that so many people who’ve joined recently are brand new to BDSM. Me: kid. Whiplr: candy store.

If only there had been an app like this when I first started exploring. It’s the only global dating app dedicated to kink and fetish, and it’s getting bigger by the day. To “keep it 1000” as we say on the internet, my stock is pretty low on places like OKCupid and Tinder. As a vanilla woman, I’m just another petite brunette with curves. On Whiplr, however, I’m a feisty sex Goddess with an astonishing set of skills and experience. It gives me easy access to hot partners who might just breeze past me in other apps. ALL of the people I’ve met from Whiplr have been gorgeous and fascinating, and it’s yielded MY BEST dates ever.

To be very clear: I want hundreds of new people to join Whiplr every single day. Not because I work for Whiplr (though I kind of wish I did), but because I want a bigger dating pool! I love this app and want to do everything I can to promote it, since each new member who signs up is another adventure waiting for me.

As for those other dating apps? I’ve deleted them all. If I want vanilla, I’ll just have some ice cream.

Photo: Ian Reid.
Models: Mistress Darcy, Goddess Aviva, Bob Revolver and friends.

Femdom BDSM submissive

In one of my last articles I talked a lot about online dating. And in one of my next articles, I’m planning on going into detail on how to find the right kinky partner for you. However, I feel I need to acknowledge the seeming dissonance of a dominatrix advising her clients to seek healthy, happy relationships outside of session. It seems pretty bad for business, huh? On the contrary: a happy sub makes for a happy Domme. Plus I have enough subs that even if half of you reading this went out and started dating straightaway, I would still have more than enough sessions to keep me busy.

As much as possible I try to help my subs get to a place where they can start to date successfully on the scene, including personal advice outside of session when I have time, as well as one on one relationship coaching and phone consultations. I believe in decompartmentalisation as much as is appropriate for your life and location: I am pro-kink, pro-honesty and proelationship. Visiting a dominatrix in no way precludes having a healthy dating life or even life partner. As long as the Domme is skilled and respects emotional boundaries, the two relationships are very different: one is professional, and the other is personal. Seeing a Domme is a lot different than having an affair or going to a prostitute or escort. All of those examples provide an experience that you are, more or less, meant to find in your primary relationship. Why pay for sex when you can get it from your partner? Why seek emotional intimacy from an affair when you are meant to find it at home? Kink is a different story, however, as by definition a “kink” is something that marks you as “different from the norm.” I wish it weren’t this way, and that more “vanilla” women would “spice it up” more with their husbands without shame, fear, or guilt, but for now most ProDommes are able to excel at things that many other women can’t, or sometimes simply won’t.

The more a Domme specializes and excels at her craft, the less chance you will experience that same level of play with your significant other. When you need a back rub, you might ask for one at home. If you need a chiropractic adjustment, however, most people don’t ask their girlfriend or boyfriend; they go to a specialist. The things that I offer range from the standard bondage, discipline, and sadomasochism to extremely complex and psychologically delicate scenarios like age play, behavior modification, ego deconstruction, sissification, forced bi, cuckolding, and public humiliation scenes. Most spouses and partners are not going to be able to offer that menu, and if they can, why the hell are you going to a dominatrix? If you just need to be tied up and spanked every once in awhile then you should stay at home and play there. However, if all of the following are true I see no reason not to see a dominatrix.

  • you have an honest, trusting, loving and communicative relationship with your partner
  • you have realized through extensive talks that he or she is not interested in ever dominating you in extreme ways
  • you can afford to session at no detriment to your home or family
  • you are able to maintain emotional boundaries in session and not lose sexual or romantic interest in your partner
  • you will still be able to balance your “extra-curricular activities” with being a good partner/spouse/parent

Many of the top ProDommes I know are actually very careful to extricate their own sexuality from their sessions, though most would not be willing to admit that publicly as it kills a lot of the fantasy. You the sub may be physically turned on, but most often the Domme is not; anyone who says differently is probably just advertising. A Domme’s frigidity is actually for the benefit of everyone involved. It’s not wise for a ProDomme to become too aroused, since she needs to keep her wits about her in order to conduct the scene properly and honor your limits. Some aspects of BDSM are highly technical and require intense concentration, and most aspects of domination require selflessness on the part of the dominant. If a Domme gets distracted by her own sexual arousal, as opposed to the joint pleasure of both Domme and sub, it becomes boring for the sub and possibly even dangerous. I also find that giving in to the sexual desires of a client puts us on a more even footing…which I hate. I prefer to withhold any and all sexual contact with me; it keeps me firmly planted in the realm of “unattainable.”

I want to make the distinction here between sexual arousal and mental and emotional arousal. Having either mind or heart operating on overdrive is a great way to run a scene. Almost all of my sessions, by design, inspire me to be highly mentally aroused. It has to do partly with my obsession with D/s, but also the fact that if I get bored you won’t be long behind me. I also sometimes let myself get swept away in sentiment. Just the other night, a 60-year old sub came to me for a first session. He was on heart attack medication and could not stay erect, though I kept him in his underwear the whole time so I didn’t care either way. I myself was physically aroused for about ten minutes while he was giving me a foot massage (I know, eating my own words here) but other than that was feeling very stern and cold. There was a curious moment, though, when he was on the floor kneeling in front of me. He started speaking about his own submission, his desire to give himself to me completely, almost to blink out of existence for my benefit. Normally when slaves start talking that way I tune out, since it’s coming from a place of self-indulgent “me me me” fantasy that has nothing to do with the actual woman standing in front of them. This time, though, something about the timbre of his voice caught my attention. He was speaking from the heart. I not only believed him, I could tell that he was actually speaking to me, live and in the flesh, instead of narrating some kinky porn clip running in his mind. I suddenly found myself welling up, and though I didn’t let him see it, I was deeply touched by his willingness to put my needs above all else–including his own dignity and wellbeing.

It was an example of a great session because of the authentic surrender that occurred. He had no expectations and was not hung up on his own sexual release: all of his energy was going towards making himself vulnerable to me and legitimately making me feel honored and superior. As a result I gave back to him tenfold and was moved to tears in the process. Although it’s not common for me to have that kind of emotional reaction, I try to replicate a similar D/s dynamic whenever possible. Most of the sessions I do are D/s-based, which means there is a significant psychological component and fixed, unequal power structure. I find that although my subs can become aroused in the process, there is something more profound than arousal that occurs in deep sub space. It is an existential shift, wherein the dominant literally creates meaning and structure for the sub which was not there before. The only thing more primal than sexuality is life itself, including your idea of who you are in the world. So while a session can certainly rely on a heavy exchange of sexual energies, it is not always the centerpiece of the experience. If you are not fixated on your own orgasm, you may find something else far more satisfying. And furthermore, you can go back to your wife or life partner feeling perhaps a tidge less guilty about your experience with your Domme. After all, you were there to serve HER.

In the words of Bob Dylan, “we all have to serve somebody.” It’s best to not let it be yourself.

kinky couple

Although BDSM is becoming more and more acceptable in the mainstream, one of the top complaints from my slaves, and even many of my friends, is that they have a difficult time finding legitimate dating prospects who are compatible with their kinky interests. This grievance seems to be universal in the scene: I hear it from men, women, the transgendered, Dom/mes, subs, switches, the young, the old, the ugly, and the gorgeous. Case in point, I myself have been more or less single for most of my adult life–shocking, I know! There goes my reputation! I have a hard enough time finding people I even want to have a drink with, much less have sex with. Compound the basic frustrations and frivolities of normal dating with the extremely specific sexual triggers of BDSM, and your typical “dry spell” can easily stretch from months into years, with each passing day bringing less and less hope of meeting an acceptable partner.

Fortunately there are a whole crop of kinky dating sites popping up to help you explore your options in the scene. No matter what your kink is, there is now a place to meet likeminded individuals in a geographic location near you (especially Antarctica…there’s TONS of perverts there)! Thanks to the internet, there is no reason you can’t be out there meeting your fellow freaks every night of the week.

My go-to for many years was, of course, Fetlife. Although it has recently become somewhat watered down by horny vanillas and hedonists, it is still a great place to look for events and network with friends and acquaintances on the scene. I have met several great dates off of Fetlife, a few not so great ones, and many new friends who have in turn introduced me to their hot friends and colleagues. The best use of the site for me has been to help formalize the relationships I have started in real life–an asset which should not be underestimated. One of the biggest problems with being single is the impatience it breeds. If you can forget for a moment how desperate and lonely you are, you might find an event on fetlife that actually lets you have a little fun and (brace yourself) potentially meet a dating prospect in a traditional, “real time” setting. Loneliness reads online as easily as it reads in real life, so my suggestion is to not use Fetlife as an excuse to moan, but to take advantage of the networking tools it has and expand your social circle. And mine the event RSVP lists for fresh meat when you’re done.

Coming up fast on the tails of Fetlife is a site called iFet. It seems to answer a lot of the qualms that people have with Fetlife, and has an infrastructure that will support longterm growth and a very large user base. Although they haven’t launched their dating component yet, keep your eye on this site as a major resource down the line. Their events page, for instance, is a great place to find out about the important fetish events near you, not just lame backyard BBQs or “tickle a sadist” type holidays that have taken over the Fetlife events section. iFet has also started a ProDomme directory for anyone wanting to scratch the itch with a professional.

I recently found this Mistress and Dominatrix Dating site while randomly browsing online. It is part of a larger site called xxxsexguides.com which covers a lot of ground in the sex and kink world, from escorts to dating to transexuals. The format of their dating portion seems easy to use and pretty comprehensive, though I’m not sure how they are qualifying “Dominatrix”; it seems they may be thinking of any dominant woman or Mistress as a Dominatrix, which is not correct (Dominatrices are specifically professional dominants). Still though, they list some other microsites which seem like they have great potential: Mistress ContactsSubs And MastersSubmissive Planet and Meet BDSM are all fabulous ideas for niche dating sites. Some of the women’s profiles look pretty enticing, and it seems like a good meeting ground for lifestyle D/s practitioners who are seeking a relationship.

For those of you looking to take a gamble on the slot machine of compatibility, OkCupid has been around for ages. My understanding is the site’s dating pool is a lot better in England than the US, or at least the people I know in the scene in England who use OkCupid have a seemingly endless supply of sexy Ok-candidates. I know a few people in the states who have done well off of it, but there are a few things intrinsically wrong with the US setup. The pool in New York is so large, for instance, that it literally feels like trying to find a needle in a haystack (a cheesy, smarmy haystack from Long Island or New Jersey). You also have to do a fair amount of sifting as well, trying your best to read between the lines to find the kinksters hiding in plain sight. I personally love the challenge of “converting” vanillas, but the sheer volume of horny creeps and selfish egomaniacs online in NYC eventually turned me off of OkCupid forever. And then there’s the terribly awkward moment when you see someone you know from real life; because almost everyone has an OkCupid profile these days, it’s inevitable you will recognize someone–chances are it’s someone you would rather not see you. If you have a bit more patience, or live outside of NYC, or don’t mind the privacy breach, it may be worth the affordable monthly membership.

There are about a million other options out there, and it can be overwhelming thinking about all the different forums in which to meet people. I’ll give you a breakdown of the most popular ones and whether or not I think it’s worth your time. At one point I had a profile on CollarMe (which is being revamped and relaunched as KinkUnity), but I was so inundated with timewasters and groveling slaves that I shut my profile down; hopefully KinkUnity is a better site when it goes live. I was on Alt for about 24 hours before they kicked me off for being a ProDomme (I wasn’t advertising, but apparently they hate Pros!); I have heard good things about Alt, but mostly from swingers and middle-aged kinksters. I have heard success stories about Adult Friend Finder, though I have no experience with it personally. You can also try any of the other traditional, vanilla dating sites out there if you’re up for a round of “spot the kinkster” and don’t mind a ton of boring losers emailing you. I have managed to find a handful of hot open-minded men on Tinder and Sparkology, though I ultimately signed off for most of the same reasons that OkCupid bothered me. As for eHarmony and Match, I know a few couples who initially met off of those sites, but if you are in the NYC area I order you to not even bother with either. Finally, I need to give a quick shout-out to the ABDL’s here with a site called Diapermates; though I have never had a membership the premise is pretty self-explanatory!

It was mostly curiosity that inspired me to sample all of these dating sites for a few weeks at a time. However, with one or two exceptions, if they are pushing you to buy a membership I would say your money is better spent going to bars and parties with friends and networking the old fashioned way. I’ll be writing more soon about what it takes to get into a good headspace to meet your ideal kinky partner in real life, but if you are not quite ready to give up on online dating I wish you all happy hunting! Drop me an email if any of this helped you to meet someone special, or at least gave you the inspiration to stop compulsively masturbating and go outside for a few hours.

 

NB: I am not in a relationship at present, nor am I seeking one. After many years dallying about online, I am happy to say that all of my experiences now come from “real life.” Though my adventures in online dating definitely helped me figure out what I’m looking for, they helped me to also find value in NOT looking. I respect my time and energy a lot more now, and I am becoming increasingly discerning about who I see in my private life. In summary: kinky online dating HAS helped me. It helped me raise my standards! I have given up on the fantasy of meeting that “perfect match” online and now can focus my attention on creating real time connections and experiences which are, for me, far more satisfying.