Photo: Ian Reid. Goddesses: Mistress Darcy and Goddess Aviva. Slaves: random white dude and Bob Revolver.

Super Beginner BDSM

If you’re sick of boring dates that end in normal sex and are ready to jettison your dating life into warp speed, take a few hours to spruce up your photo collection and read the below. You’ll be kink-functional in no time. If you’re still vanilla-leaning and want to take it slow, just hint that you’re kink-curious on OKC, Tinder or Bumble (which is great for females who like to swipe but hate being inundated with idiotic messages). If you’re ready for the deep end, then sign up for some of the kinky dating and social networking sites out there like Fetlife and Whiplr.

Take note: there are a few terms you should know before you banter. There’s no shame in being a newbie. (It’s kind of hot, actually.) But these kinky phrases will fast-track your flirting and make sure you don’t look like a vanilla dork.

Just remember the golden rule of consent. If it’s not consensual, it’s not cool! Know the difference, educate yourself, and don’t break your playthings. Above and beyond that, pretty much anything goes. There are too many online dating sites available now for anyone to feel their sexual interests are singular. You name it, someone else is into it. Best of luck to you, and if you want to explore further after reading this article check out my advice for Finding Your BDSM Soulmate.

BDSM – The most politically correct and comprehensive term for kink. B stands for bondage, D stands for discipline, and SM stands for sadism and masochism. There’s an additional acronym within the term: DS means Dominance and submission. BDSM doesn’t have to involve sex or sex acts, though it’s usually erotic in some capacity.

Consent – The permission to receive or administer some form of BDSM activity, be it physical or nonphysical. Consent just means permission. It can be accomplished with something as simple as, “is it okay if I touch you/spank you/hug you/take off your undies?” Let the person give you a verbal “yes” to be 100% safe.

Scene – An erotic BDSM exchange of some sort. It can happen in private or public, with two people or dozens, and does not need to include sex. Scenes can vary greatly in intensity and are the kink equivalent of a hook-up.

Dominant – A person in power in a BDSM context. Also called a Dom or Domme. There’s a necessary psychological control or power hierarchy involved in Domming that extends past physical activities. Sometimes used interchangeably with topping.

Submissive – A person who gives up power in a BDSM context. Also called a sub or slave. Subbing is the flip side of Domming, and there’s a necessary psychological surrender involved. Sometimes used interchangeably with bottoming.

Switch – Someone who likes to both dominate and be dominated. It literally means being able to “switch” between the two roles. You can switch with the same partner, or be a Dom/me with one person and a sub with another. Preferences can depend entirely on whom you’re with and what you’re doing.

Top – A person who enjoys the physical aspects of giving BDSM without engaging in a great deal of psychological control. You can top someone while still viewing them as an “equal” when you’re topping them. Often related to sensual, service domination, or physical sadism without the psychological control.

Bottom – A person who enjoys the physical aspects of receiving BDSM without giving over to the psychological surrender of submission. You can bottom without viewing your top as “superior,” for instance, or be solely a masochist with no psychological surrender.

Bondage – The restraint of your partner’s body in an erotic or aesthetic context. Rope, chains, tape, and leather or latex accessories are common, though any object used in a restrictive manner is technically bondage.

Discipline – The act of controlling a submissive’s behavior with rules imposed by the Dom/me and subsequent rewards and punishments when those rules are obeyed or disobeyed. It can also be a catchall term for impact play, including spanking and corporal punishment. Discipline can refer to either a psychological or physical practice of disciplining someone, or both in one.

Sadism – Deriving stimulation from giving someone physical pain. People who enjoy inflicting emotional wounds or engaging in psychological edge play are sometimes called emotional sadists. (Yes it’s a thing, and when done properly can be very hot.) Most sadists identify as dominant in some capacity.

Masochism – Receiving stimulation from feeling physical pain in an erotic context. Masochists don’t necessarily identify as subs or bottoms—some dominants are masochists as well: it can be a purely physical pleasure.

D/s – Dominance and submission, capitalization for effect. This is a kind of relationship dynamic based on a mutual agreement of power exchange. The act of submitting to another mandates a consensual participation in a hierarchy of power with (temporary) inequality at its core, for the sake of the experience. The greater the difference in power, the “greater the high” for both partners. D/s can involve physical activities, but can also be completely psychological with no physical contact.

Limit/Hard Limit – Anything you or your partner absolutely does not want to do, or an activity that, for whatever reason, you “can’t handle.” By and large, hard limits should be honored 100% and never violated. No explanations need to be given for why something is a limit: It is simply taken as fact. Dom/mes can have hard limits as well as subs.

Safeword – A word (sometimes substituted for a gesture or sound) that indicates a submissive has reached his or her limit. Dominants can safeword as well, though it is much more common for a submissive to require a safeword as they are usually on the receiving end of the activity.

Aftercare – The period after a scene in which both parties recover from the activities in the scene. Typically a submissive will need more aftercare, but a dominant can and should receive attention as needed. Aftercare can last anywhere from a few moments up to a few months, depending on the intensity of the scene.

Unicorn – Any rare combination of erotic circumstances/traits. Traditionally an unattached, attractive female sought out by a kinky couple looking for a third partner. Everyone has their own version of a unicorn based on their interests.


Attention cuckolds: meet your alpha male. For the next month I’ll be testing out a new Bull who I happened to meet recently. Although he’s a vanilla, he’s supremely interested in the scene, and wants to exploring the role of a Bull with some of my slaves.

This giant of a man will be joining me in session at my studio in New York City, or at your hotel room if you book a nice enough place. Be brave. We are a genuinely superior alpha couple, and I have had several slaves tell me in recent years that they have never experienced true cuckolding until them came to see me. Many women offer it, but few really understand it.

Please note he will be visiting LA with me from December 3-6.

Heigh: 6’4″

Ethnicity: Caucasian

Build: Muscular

Age: 27

Measurements: 7.75″ x 5″

Orientation: Straight

Construct: Kink-curious alpha male

You may visit to inquire about a session. Fill out the online booking form in its entirety. Give me at least two days notice as this Bull has a very busy work schedule.

Part 1 of 2. A few things to think about, answer, and consider before you take on the great responsibility of playing with a submissive.

maleDom secretary

What brought you here?

Is it that you enjoy control during sex? Or taking your partner on a rollercoaster of pleasure and pain and into the misty peaks of orgasm? Is it the debasement of your submissive? Their devotion and trust? Or the high you get from simply being the boss? Try to ascertain your reasons for wanting to be a Dominant. If you know why you want to explore sexual dominance, you will be much more likely to become good at it.

femsub slave

Domming vs. Topping

There is an essential psychological component to Domming, wherein you adopt a psychological power position greater than your partner for the purposes of the scene and/or relationship. A top, on the other hand, does not want that responsibility, but wishes mostly to frolic in the fields of physical BDSM activities, minus the D/s role of psychological caretaker. One is not better, or even necessarily more intense than the other, but they are different and need to be understood as separate phenomena.

You should know whether your partner identifies as sub or bottom (or slave), and which experience they are looking for with you at any given time. Don’t give them an experience they don’t want or need if you are capable of giving them what they do want or need – that is bad form. And if you yourself identify as one thing (for instance a sub), but are interested in being another thing for a scene (for instance a bottom), you should declare that upfront so that your Dom/me has all the relevant information and can plan accordingly.

Slave Secretary


Keeping you and your sub safe is at the bedrock of any BDSM scene. You should know in advance what the logistics and basic safety techniques are for any physical BDSM activities you try, whether it’s in a private class or lesson, on YouTube, in a book, or from a friend. If you were to fire a weapon, you would take it upon yourself to learn how to use it, and in BDSM everything can be used as a weapon. Research anything and everything you can before trying something new, and if possible test the activity on yourself first. Self-testing is the best way to assess the damage it could potentially do, or the pleasure it can potentially bring.

As Jay Wiseman put it in SM 101, it’s much better to walk away from a scene wishing you had gone further and feeling excited for the next time, than to have gone too far and damaged yourself or your partner.

Secretary BDSM

I also highly recommend having a “safety” in place for submissives the first couple of times you play with someone, whether you feel totally comfortable or not. This just means a friend who knows the exact address of where you’ll be who is required to check in with you on the phone a few minutes after you arrive, and again a few minutes before you leave. If they don’t hear from you and can’t get ahold of you, they should be instructed to call the police. Period. It is a helpful courtesy for you to alert your partner of this safety mechanism, to avoid unnecessary law enforcement involvement. You can also use “code words” on the phone if you feel you might be unable to answer normally on the call. If you’re that concerned, though, perhaps reconsider meeting with the person.

I won’t get into the intricacies of everything that can go wrong in a scene, because A) that’s a book in and of itself and B) it would probably depress you and you would be too scared to do anything in the scene for a few months. EMT and/or counselor training comes in handy though, if nothing else for peace of mind.

spanking secretary

Part 2 coming soon…

Liz Taylor Diamonds

Goddess Elizabeth Taylor

Nothing says love like precious gems, so when you’re ready to show your Goddess exactly how much you cherish her, be sure to follow this step-by-step guide. Messing up any one of these aspects of the jewelry ritual could mean your Domme doesn’t feel your love like you intended, and you might end up making a very expensive mistake! But if you get it right, you will stand out from all her other suitors. Speaking from experience: the right piece of jewelry in the right way will make your Goddess remember you forever.

Goddess Audrey Hepburn


Find out what your Goddess’ favorite colors are. Ask in general, and at a later time also find out specifically what her favorite jewelry choices are. Does she like silver, gold, or rose gold? Does she like diamonds or emeralds? What are the jewels and precious metals she wears the most?

Marilyn Monroe Diamonds

Goddess Marilyn Monroe


Ask your Goddess outright: “Ma’am, if you were to receive jewelry as a gift, would you prefer rings, bracelets, necklaces, earrings or something else?” Look at her jewelry collection if you have access to her bedroom (and you feel it might be appropriate to take a peek), and assess what her tastes are so that you can stay in the family of things she likes. It is also totally reasonable to ask her to prepare a Pinterest board or “look book” of jewelry she wants. It is effort on her part, but if you are about to make an investment of several thousand, you need to get it right. And trust me: she won’t mind making the effort.

If you are unable to buy REAL precious gems, you can settle for costume jewelry. I love costume jewelry, personally, and am not elitist about it. For business meetings and day wear, however, I prefer real jewels (diamonds, emeralds, etc.) so it’s good to have a range.

Rita Hayworth Diamonds

Goddess Rita Hayworth


Go somewhere reputable if you are buying precious gems and be sure to get a gift receipt! Just in case she wants a different color or style. Again: it’s likely several thousand you’re spending, so you want to make sure you get it right. If you are buying costume jewelry make sure it is good quality costume jewelry and won’t just fall apart. Nothing is more embarrassing than buying a gift which breaks shortly after you deliver it.

If you purchase something on sale, you better be DAMN SURE it is perfect for her. Does it match her favorite colors and styles? Is it something she has on her wish list or Pinterest board? If not, be ready to take the gamble that she will be disappointed.

Lauren Bacall Pearls

Goddess Lauren Bacall


Every single time you present jewelry to a woman, you must either make sure it’s in a nice box, pouch or bag of some kind, or that you have prepared the environment around you to act as the “dressing” for you to give it to her by hand. Don’t just come up to her in the bathroom when she’s putting on makeup and hold out a chain. Make it a sacred moment between the two of you. Charge it with some emotional weight and power, as you have made quite the investment of time and money by now and deserve to finish the ritual properly!

Your Goddess will appreciate that you took the time not only to select the perfect piece for her, but that you made sure to set the scene. Some options to aid your setting are: low lighting, candles, music, a lunch or dinner, a surprise in bed while she relaxes with a formal breakfast or tea service. You can present on your knees even if it’s not an engagement ring: your Goddess will appreciate the gesture of chivalry, especially if you’re a submissive.

Sophia Loren Diamonds

Goddess Sophia Lauren


Be sure to offer it with an air of gratitude, and don’t expect anything in return except a smile from her. You might offer a few words as well, like “thank you for being the perfect woman, and inspiring me everyday with your natural beauty. These jewels only highlight what is already flawless elegance.”

She will read in your eyes that you are being authentic, and the fact that you ask nothing in return will make her want to give you everything.


The author showcasing a few recently acquired diamonds. Thanks, slave!