I am perhaps something of a controversial figure because of my strong fetishization of, and talent for, mindfucking. While mindfucking can backfire in an astonishing burst of emotional fireworks and debris, I must admit I respect it for its sheer metric force. This should be everyone’s approach when dealing with a potential weapon of mass destruction: respect and a comprehensive understanding of its power. No matter your “opinion” on this fetish, or any others, the bottom line is that a good mindfuck can be a brain-meltingly hot experience that leaves a strong, positive fetish impression for years, for both Dom/me AND sub.

Click here for more of my writing on Emotional BDSM and Mindfucking / Psychological Edgeplay.

You essentially build yourself into the perfect D/s compliment for the other person, Weird Science-style from the inside out, complete with every personality trait necessary for the rejection D/s roleplay to work. Then you form an intense and convincing emotional bond with the other person, which is totally possible even in as little as 10 minutes. Finally, you slowly break yourself down around them (or build yourself up if you’re the Dom/me) bit by bit until you are in such different leagues that anything can be used in service of the power disparity. The chasm between you becomes insurmountable. Yet you’re tethered together. Yet you’re apart. Yet you’re together. It’s a sickening kind of invisible bondage-humiliation-torture all in one.

The key is for both parties to be incredibly clear about what they are getting into from the start and continue to be overly clear about the nature of the roleplay even after it’s “over” (even when the delicious pain is still lingering). You don’t want to incur net negative repercussions from someone who can’t decipher between fantasy and reality. Rejection play can be INCREDIBLY hot, but don’t do it with someone who isn’t totally prepared for a roleplay of this nature. You will hurt them and get a reputation for being an asshole.

Of course, sometimes someone claims to want to be involved in mindfucking and emotional masochism, but then changes their mind at the last second or in a way that is confusing to the dominant. On one hand, if you volunteered to be there knowing full well that there were risks, you had better try to figure a way to exit the scenario with your psychological health intact. Submissive have a responsibility to know themselves well enough to say yes or no responsibly to a dynamic that they take part in initiating. But if the dominant senses that a submissive doesn’t know how to say yes or no responsibly, is naively in over his or her head, or will be incurring a net negative from the interaction, then the Dom/me should put a stop to it. Both Dom/me and sub share a responsibility for mental and emotional safety, and to blame it all on the Dom/me if things go wrong is shitty and incomplete.

Fortunately the vast majority of people I have ever mindfucked have taken enormous responsibility for their portion of things, and we have had incredible experiences that will stay with me for the rest of my life and vice versa. These roleplays are some of the defining moments of my life as a Domme. They have sometimes changed my submissives’ entire lives, for the better. But these roleplays were also just roleplays, and they need a deft and nimble mind and an iron-core of confidence for the submissive to distinguish fantasy from reality. So if you’re into receiving mindfucking like this on a regular basis, good job: chances are you’re both smart AND super comfortable with who you are.

I remember one session I did with a sub male client that was particularly cruel. He wanted an hour at my studio one night after work for a small penis humiliation scene. We met for a consultation a few days beforehand so that I could vet him, and immediately I had a pretty clear idea of his interests and type. Although he said he “didn’t like to control things,” before the consultation he had emailed me a long and detailed list of his interests and triggers including specific names he liked to be called, words to use for his dick, roleplay scenarios, etc. He was about as bad at giving up power as I am, so I made sure to craft the interactions from the beginning in a way that would leave him off kilter and disoriented in the session and in an authentic position of being mentally and emotionally out of control.

The first method was to dismiss him when he mentioned (again) that he liked roleplay. I told him that while I was well known for it, it was not something I actually enjoyed that much. It takes a lot of energy and planning, and in general is less rewarding than just connecting with someone on a “real life level.” This was all false, but he believed me and, although disappointed, agreed to go along with whatever I said.

The thing that made the next part of my scheme work was that he was semi-attractive and was well aware of it. He had a pretty good personality (in spite of his topping from the bottom), and we had great chemistry in our consultation. In a moment of irony, he displayed his fatal flaw of hubris by admitting that his dick was “not actually as small as he liked to say.” He had exposed a crack in this own small-dicked fantasy and in the process claimed that he would happily go along with anything I said, no matter how cruel or cutting. I used all of this to my advantage and lowered his guard by telling him in the consult that I totally understood his small penis humiliation fetish, and although I knew he was exaggerating about its small size, that I knew just what to say to him to make sure we “both had a hot, fun time together.”

From then on I downplayed my dominance over email: I called him by his first name instead of “slave,” cracked jokes with him, asked questions instead of giving commands, etc. This lasted for about three or four emails leading up to the session. By the end of it his fondness for me had increased, and his respect for me had decreased. I had successfully humanized myself for him, voluntarily stepping down off the pedestal he had built for me. Little did he know I would be climbing back up on it soon enough. At the time, however, I had lowered his expectations. I was now a wolf in sheep’s clothing.

When he walked in the door I didn’t have him undress, and instead gave him a quick cheek kiss and had him sit on the couch next to me and “chat” for a few minutes. Most people who have sessioned with a traditional independent Domme know this is pretty unusual. We talked for about 10-15 minutes about his day, my day, etc, and I humanized myself even more. At about the 15-minute mark, he tried to give me my tribute and asked to start the session. I looked at him meaningfully and let a coy smile play on my lips, then told him in a frank tone that I was having too much fun to session. He gazed at me, confounded and delighted at the same time, and again shoved the money towards me. I reached for it, looked at it, and then handed it back to him. It was that moment, seeing a ProDomme hand his money back, that he became submerged in the ruse. He would believe anything I said.

I draped my hand across his leg and trailed my fingers up towards his crotch. With another smile, I teased my hand up his chest and rubbed his neck a little. Gazing lovingly into his eyes, I swore to him “you’re not like my other clients. You’re not really like a client at all. I would actually go on a real date with you.” The cognitive dissonance on his face was priceless.

The lower half of his body overpowered the upper half, and he continued to blithely believe every word I said. He scooched closer, clearly dying to kiss me. I kept rambling on about how I had gone on a date with someone a lot like him a few weeks back, but that the guy I was on the date with had a terrible personality. This client, on the other hand, well he’d kept me laughing all night long so far. I shifted subtly, just out of reach from his hands and mouth. I kept my eye contact throughout, giving him all the signs of a woman on a date that is “DTF.”

Finally, after about 10 minutes of this slow teasing and seducing, I asked him to stand up and started fondling his crotch and whispering in his ear. Did he want to go in the other room? I had a spare bed in there, and although I vowed to him that I never, ever dated my clients, he hadn’t actually given me money yet, so technically he wasn’t a client?

The poor sap got his pants off so fast that it actually knocked me off balance and back onto the couch. I sat there watching him, pretending to be captivated and sexually ecstatic, touching my body just enough to feign arousal and goad him into taking off his underwear.

That was when I dropped the first nuke.

I let my eyes fall slowly from his face down to his erection. Reality: it was average. Maybe 5.5 or 6. Roleplay: I pretended it was 2.5. I didn’t go into “fake-Domme-your-dick-is-so-small-holding-up-my-pinky” mode though. That’s shitty and dumb. I actually just in my mind made myself really attracted to this guy, and simultaneously in my mind saw his dick as being 2.5 inches. I had spent the first half of the session convincing BOTH him and myself that I wanted more than anything in the world to fuck him. This average looking guy with the average sized dick had become my paragon of sexiness and beauty. The true artistry and skill in a good roleplay revolves around getting BOTH people to buy into it. Once we established that, the rest was easy. In that horrible moment when he dropped his gray briefs onto the floor, all I had to do was walk in the front door of the elegant house of lies I had spent the past 30 minutes constructing.

I let loose a sort of “ohhh” noise and let my jaw drop a little. Then I turned my head in modesty and started blushing. I’m still not sure how I did it, but I could literally feel the color flushing in my cheeks. I put my hand over my mouth. “What?” he said, genuinely confounded. “Nothing, nothing,” I replied. I paused a moment for effect. Then I started laughing. Quietly at first, then a little bit louder, as if I couldn’t hide it. I kept my face turned away to make him think I didn’t want him to know I was laughing. He was starting to deflate. He was losing his boner for real. His eyebrows were crinkling in the middle of his forehead. Miraculously, he still believed my reaction was organic.

I got up and got a glass of water, feigning a cough. Then I slowly walked back over to him and picked up his underwear. “You know, I’m actually kind of tired. Maybe we can continue this over a drink tomorrow…or something.” I handed him the underwear and gestured for him to start to get dressed. He tried to rub my shoulders, get close to me, caressing my stomach. I waved him off.

Finally I leveled with him. “Look,” I said, staring into his eyes and taking his face in my hands, “I like you. You’re cute, you have an incredible sense of humor, we obviously have chemistry but…seriously? Did you ever actually think I would… with that?!”

“Oh come on Darcy,” he tried to protest. “This isn’t roleplay. It’s not THAT small.” Yes, he actually said, “this isn’t roleplay.” I barked with laughter and let loose a curtain of missiles aimed directly at his self-confidence.

“I know this isn’t roleplay. If this were a session, I would have taken your money. But I didn’t. We were having fun. I felt like I was on a date. I’m attracted to you. But I don’t appreciate your lying. Yes, you lied to me. You did! When you sit there and look me in the eyes in broad daylight and try to tell me “truthfully” that your dick is average sized, and I actually believe you, that’s lying to my face. Average? You know what average is? It’s 6 inches for a Caucasian male in America. I am not looking at six inches right now. And I have seen thousands of cocks in my life. Are you delusional? I’m a ProDomme, I know what average looks like. I’ve seen average. And your dick is so far below average that I am actually angry at myself that I let things get this far. I can’t believe I bought it. I can’t believe I fell for it. I would never, in one hundred million years, even consider fucking…that. I wouldn’t feel it. There would be no sex, no sensation. Your dick is so disgustingly small that I almost wish this were a session, just so I could tell you off for it.”

The poor man didn’t know what to believe, but his (average) cock had started to twitch again with the horrible realization that not only was he not getting sex, but that this woman with whom he had formed an intense emotional bond in a short amount of time was now realistically and brutally berating him in a lifestyle turn of events that he had only imagined in his wildest fantasies. I continued ranting on for another 10 minutes, eventually ending with him on the floor on his stomach, grinding and begging me to hump until he came in his underwear.

Before I knew it, the hour was up and the session was over. I snatched the money out of his pants pocket and started counting it in the corner.

“You’re welcome.” I tossed the words over my shoulder at him as he caught his breath on the floor, a huge grin of awe and wonder spreading across his face.

I could be as cold as I liked now. The character was gone, and I said a perfunctory goodbye as he let himself out. He could tell that the whole thing had been a fabrication. In his follow-up email, he thanked me for the most realistic roleplay of his life, and admitted he was relieved he hadn’t actually been given the opportunity to cheat on his wife that night. I knew he would go back to her peaceful in the knowledge that he belonged with her, and that I remained comfortably out of his league for all time. I had constructed a fantasy for him that played perfectly into his decades-long fetish for humiliation, and which could not be achieved by someone who was being transparent about their tactics.

The best kind of dominant is someone who can actually outsmart their submissive: surprise, frighten, and delight them. It takes a bit more planning, forethought and skill, but the moments when I outsmart my subs are by far my most rewarding moments as a Domme. In those moments, the power exchange is not roleplay. It’s real.

Click here for more of my writing on Emotional BDSM and Mindfucking / Psychological Edgeplay.

Girls Laughing

Honoring boundaries is a crucial, if not THE crucial, part of kink. We’ve all heard the handy phrase, ‘the difference between BDSM and abuse is consent.’ It’s true. No matter how extreme you are you must still obtain tacit consent in every scene. Even consensual nonconsent requires an understanding of your partner to the point that you believe with very little room for error that they will ultimately benefit and/or consent to what you are doing at some point, even if they do not consent during the scene itself. For the purposes of this article, however, I will largely not be speaking to consensual nonconsent. Most kinksters aren’t ready for that kind of edge play, and so you can assume I’m speaking instead about the rest of the kink world.

Additionally, although submissives are usually the ones who complain about consent breaches, it is important to remember that Dominants have boundaries as well. Everything I say below applies to both Dom/mes and subs, and it is important for each partner to honor and respect the limits of the other no matter which side you’re on.

Any partner who does not honor your limits after you have communicated them *unless there is a very clear and sensible reason* is most likely not someone you should continue to scene with. Care is at the bedrock of BDSM, and we must each do our part to care for our partners, wether Dom/me, sub or otherwise.

BDSM consensual

Bring it Up 

It’s not fair to expect your partner to be a mind reader, although if you’re with a great partner he or she may sometimes be just that! Nevertheless, take responsibility for yourself and be clear about your limits upfront. Do NOT assume your Dom/me or sub will know your limits. There are no “standard limits,” and each person is different. What’s “light” for one player may be a “hell no” for someone else, with no rhyme or reason as to why. Varying degrees of sensitivity are what make BDSM so exciting and also so dangerous, so be sure to cover your bases every time!

Just because your partner does not ask does not mean you don’t have a responsibility to tell. Bringing a victim mentality into a scene is unfair to your partner and invites unnecessary pain and anxiety for you. Take the initiative and state your boundaries, whether Dom/me or sub. It’s the safe way to play.

If you’re a Dom/me, try to find a way to ascertain limits. Sometimes you might not want to ask outright (especially if you’re into heavy psychological play and mind fucking), but the more clandestine you are about assessing limits, the more certain you have to be that you’re not wrong.

Aftercare

Timing is Everything

By the time a scene has started it’s usually too late to respectfully (and sometimes even effectively) discuss limits, though of course if you leave it till then and wish to communicate your boundaries, you have no other choice but to do so in the heat of the moment. A Dom/me or sub has likely already put some thought into the scene and started getting excited about the potential activities therein. Most importantly, if you’re into any sort of psychological play, a Dom/me may very well need time to process your limits before the scene begins in order to adequately prepare their strategies and tactics. Derailing someone’s plans or passion when you’re mid-scene is at best inconsiderate, and at worst, a way to ruin the relationship.

The best time to discuss limits is before you are in the space for a scene. It’s important to be in a neutral, non-arousal state so that you can think clearly and be as articulate as possible about your needs. You also need to be able to listen to and respect the limits of your partner, and it can be hard to do so if you’re in the throes of subspace. If needed, you can email your partner a list before you meet, hand them a hand-written note before the scene has begun, or even schedule an in-person coffee or meal a few days before the scene in order to go over your limits in detail. A good dominant will want to get a sense for your mental landscape well ahead of time, in order to gauge how to best handle you.

If you don’t communicate beforehand because you’ve “forgotten,” and maintaining your boundaries in a scene is important to you, then you have a responsibility to convey them during the scene, and your partner has a duty to listen. It might be bad timing, but it’s better than not doing so at all. Your partner does not want to see you unhappy, and it’s not in anyone’s best interests to walk away from a scene having damaged the other person or created a net-negative effect on someone’s life.

BDSM etiquette

It’s Not What You Say But How You Say It

Ideally you have agreed to do a scene with someone because you feel you are, at a core level, compatible. Once you’ve established that, you’ve tacitly agreed to be open and respectful of each others’ limits as well. If you don’t jive with the person’s general kink interests, you should reconsider your reasons for wanting to play with him or her. If a person hates pain, for example, and you want to do a heavy corporal session with them, you need to know exactly what you’re doing and have a lot of experience in that sort of challenging “conversion” scenario. It’s not okay to “convince” someone away from their limits without either significant expertise or their consent.

No respectable Dom/me is going to insult your limitations or make you feel stupid for having them, as long as you have presented them properly. For instance, if you have a fear of soda pop and ask that soda pop never be used in a scene, you should make sure to preface it with, “I know this is ridiculous and illogical, so please bear with me, but…” That way you acknowledge the irrational nature of your limit and your Dom/me will be able to come to terms with it. We Dominants are actually great at plopping things in the category of ‘No Good Reason For This But Just Accept It,” and enjoy quietly laughing at your endearing weaknesses—they make you who you are, and you expressing your vulnerabilities makes us feel closer to you. Just make sure you bring each limitation up with utmost respect and, when appropriate, an apology.

Sub Drop

Good openers for subs:

“Ma’am/Sir, would it be all right if we talked about some no-go areas for me?”

“I’ve prepared a list of my hard limits, would it be acceptable to email it to you in advance, please?

“I’m afraid I have some rather ridiculous issues around ______, and I would love to be able to talk about it with you before we meet. Unfortunately _______ takes me totally out my good headspace, so I want to let you know upfront so that we don’t get interrupted.

“I’ve had some previous trauma with _______, and I would love to be able to tell you about it so that I’m not triggered during our scene. Is that okay?”

Good openers for Dom/mes:

“I will honor and respect your boundaries at all times, but I need you to know that I also have boundaries. Are you prepared to hear them?

“There are a few behaviors from submissives that really bother me. Can we talk about them? I don’t want you to make the same mistakes others have made in the past.”

“If you do _______, ________ or ________ the scene will end immediately. Do you understand?”

“I hate ______. Don’t do it. Ever.”

How Very

Discovering a Limitation

On occasion you will realize that something that was previously not a hard limit has become one. It is imperative that you communicate this to your partner as soon as possible, but that you also give it proper care and consideration in your language. The absolute worst time to figure something like this out is in a scene, but unfortunately that’s usually the time when it happens.

The most important thing is to understand your partner is not a mind reader, and that if you have a realization they do not necessarily know that. As far as they’re concerned, unless otherwise noted in your body or words, everything is hunky dory and okay to proceed as normal. If you are the one who has discovered new information, you are the one interrupting the scene. You therefore owe your partner an apology of some sort (whether inferred or literal), no matter whether you are Dom/me or sub. This is not so much a rule as basic etiquette. You would apologize if you changed social plans with a friend, why would you not apologize if you changed plans with an intimate play partner?

Consensual Nonconsent

Good openers for discovering a limit:

“I’m sorry to have to say this, but I have just had a revelation about ______. I don’t think I can do it, or at least right now. I’m so sorry to bring it up in the middle like this.”

“You have done nothing wrong whatsoever here, but I am feeling very uncomfortable with ______. I didn’t realize this until just now. I’m really sorry.”

“May I say something? It’s out of the blue, I know. I’m feeling really upset around ______ for some reason, would you be okay with doing something else for the time being and perhaps talking about this afterwards?”

Spitting Femdom

Resilience and Forgiveness

Having been recently inspired by The Dirty Gentleman’s events here in New York, as well as the high protocol D/s group that is known collectively as the Guild of Voluptuaries, I want to highlight the need for resilience. We don’t play with actual Gods and Goddesses, we play with other human beings. Human beings make mistakes. Constantly. You WILL make mistakes with people in the scene, eventually, and others WILL make mistakes with you. The key is to maintain compassion for yourself and for others, and remember to take ownership for your own communication and manners at every possible moment.

While there are certainly instances of abuse in our community, you should always background check the overall reputation of a play partner as best you can – not with second and third-hand information but with others who have ACTUALLY played with them. If someone has a load of play partners who have had bad experiences (and you have heard this FIRST-HAND), then perhaps reconsider whether it’s a good idea to play with them. Once you’ve signed on for a scene with someone, though, it’s your responsibility to follow proper etiquette around communicating your limits.

Hard Limits

If you deem someone cool enough to scene with, hopefully you also deem him or her of a worthy character (if not, don’t play with them!). If someone has worthy character, they will be willing to take responsibility for their mistakes and attempt to make amends should an error occur. Value resilience—your own and your partner’s—and make your own respectful communication top priority. You will significantly decrease the amount of bad experiences you have in so doing.

The goal is a net positive experience, on both ends. Maintain manners, communicate with courtesy, and your scenes will unfold safely, happily, and worry-free!

Femdom Classic
Perfect buttocks. Side view of beautiful young naked woman cover

If you’re interested in serving as a toilet for Dom/me, you should know ask yourself a few basic questions. Hardsports in particular is an edge play activity, and can be dangerous, both physically and psychologically. Read this quick checklist to make sure you’re up for the challenge, and that your Dominant meets some basic standards. For those of you interested in toilet play, you’ll be doing it anyway: you might as well do it safely!

-Has he or she been tested for STD’s recently including Hepatitis A and B?

-Does he or she have testing paperwork to show you upon request?

-Is his or her space clean and discreet?

-Is he or she mentally compelling and able to “talk you into it” if need be, as well as “talk you down” when it’s over? Intense guilt and shame can kick in quickly when you’re finished.

-Is he or she welleviewed, or do you have mutual friends who can vouch for the person’s play style and trustworthiness?

-Are there recent photos of the Dominant available anywhere, or have you met them in person recently? Nothing is worse than showing up for a high-pressure exchange like toiletry to find you’re not attracted to the person.

-Portions? Taste? Smell? Ask for honest self-appraisal beforehand if those aspects matter to you.

-Natural or chemically-induced? You should be able to request the former.

-Is there a regular shower facility for when you’ve finished? Let’s hope so.

Femdom Financial

I recently had to grapple with a very entitled male about my deposit process. He attempted to make a weak argument against them. Out of boredom and the desire to write a new blog post, I destroyed his logic on every point. Here is his argument, and my rebuttal, which outlines the many reasons why you should just shut up and pay if you’re serious about seeing a professional dominant:

Man: Deposits aren’t classy.

Me: I am clearly and irrevocably classy, and if you don’t think so then why would you contact me? The vast quantity of photos of me, reviews about me, and text written by me are a testament to my elegance and professionalism, and if you don’t agree then you should not even consider sessioning with me. Save your money for someone “actually” classy, like the Duchess of Cambridge. Though apparently she’s got some pretty filthy friends.

Man: I don’t trust anyone until I get to know them.

Me: That sounds like a very lonely life. Regardless, the chances of you actually “getting to know” the personal side of any ProDomme above and beyond the character traits she chooses to show you are rare. If you mean knowing them enough to trust that they will not steal your money, that can be assessed by looking at a woman’s reputation online. Why would I have so many clients raving about me if I’m in the habit of stealing their money, of if I was anything other than, generally speaking, very good at my job?

Man: The internet is full of liars and con artists.  

Me: Correct. Just today I had someone who seemed sincere and “promised” he was the kind of guy who didn’t need to give a deposit flake for the second time, last minute, and not show up. I am then out of pocket for the dungeon rental, my time has been wasted, and I have turned down other income for the day, which in my industry means a net profit loss. Most luxury services demand a deposit upfront anyway, and professional domination is the definition of a luxury service.

Man: I’m concerned about the lack of privacy with an electronic trail.

Me: Which is why I welcome deposits in cash a day or so before the session. 

Man: A deposit of $100 seems high.

Me: If you’re about to spend $300-$1000 total, it’s nothing. But thank you for outing yourself as a timewaster.

Man: I can give you various personal details in order to verify that I am who I am.

Me: That has no bearing on whether you show up to an appointment. I don’t want to blackmail you: I want to be paid for my time.

Man: The odds are pretty slim that I’m a liar.

Me: False. What percentage of welleviewed Dommes with their own websites, twitter following, fetlife profile and global fan base do you think “lie” about their deposits and steal them from their would-be clients? I would guess 1/20, if I were to be very cynical about it, because bad behavior is so easy to report for public figures like us. The percentage of would-be clients who don’t follow through with an inquiry or “lie” about not needing to make a deposit and then bail on their session is about 7/10, in my experience. Unless of course they provide a deposit, and then the no-show rate goes down to 1/10.

In conclusion, the onus is on the client to prove his trustworthiness. I have already proven mine. But you’re always welcome to take a gamble on someone without any sort of track record. That’s what the internet is for! Just ask Michael Phelps, who should have done his research.

Adult Baby Session

In my seven years as a dominatrix I’ve sessioned in quite a few different kinds of venue, all over the world. Each location provides general positives and negatives, although the specifics can vary greatly from space to space. Always check in with your Domme if you have specific questions; in all likelihood she will totally understand why you’re asking and be sensitive to your concerns. Sometimes the client has an opportunity to choose what kind of venue in which to see his or her Domme, but frequently you just have to go with whatever is available. If you do have the luxury of choice, the below list should help you decide.

PRIVATE DUNGEON – The top choice for many slaves. 

  • Positives: The Mistress has her own equipment, and if she’s successful enough to have her own space reserved for sessions she should have a pretty comprehensive collection. You can usually expect good sanitation standards, and the Mistress will be able to quickly find and correctly use each piece of kit. The space is typically VERY discreet and controlled, so that you won’t have to see other people or deal with the “energy” of others using the space while you’re there.
  • Negatives: Private dungeons can lack some bigger or more elaborate pieces of BDSM furniture that you can find in rental dungeons. There may only be a dungeon room, not a domestic space for lighter or “vanilla” sessions. Mistresses will often have stricter screening protocol for their private spaces, vs. a rental space. Some private dungeons are not centrally located, as the Mistress will have to pay rent on the space herself, monthly. Real estate in the center of town is expensive! As a result, many do not offer private dungeon sessions at all.

RENTAL DUNGEON – Second most common choice.

  • Positives: There is usually A LOT of equipment to choose from, and sometimes pretty impressive interior design, depending on the facility. Most rental dungeons are centrally located, which makes for easy scheduling. Sometimes there is even a staff of Dommes working shifts, which makes it simple to bring in other women for doubles or, if you are inclined to go that route, just try a solo session with a house Domme. The pros and cons of house Dommes vs. independents are too myriad for this article, but suffice to say I am independent for good reason.
  • Negatives: One of the biggest turn-offs for rental dungeons is the issue of sanitation. A lot (as in hundreds and sometimes thousands) of people have used those spaces, and there is no guarantee that ANY of the equipment has been cleaned properly after it’s been used. Financially speaking, the Mistress will have to pay a rental fee per hour, which she may end up charging you for on top of her tribute. At times there are other people sessioning out of commercial dungeon spaces in the next room, which means you may overhear other people or even see them in the hallway depending on the venue. Sometimes I’ve also experienced certain things that just come with the territory of a public space: cigarette smoke, evidence of previous sessions, bad attitudes from other Dommes or dungeon staff, etc.

DOMESTIC SPACE – Third most common request.

  • Positives: A domestic setting can feel more “realistic” in that you can act out many of the domination fantasies that you’ve been thinking about incorporating into your “normal life.” Scenes in the bedroom, living room, or kitchen can be quite erotic with the right Domme, and if she’s creative she can take everyday objects and turn them into weapons of torture and titillation. You usually can count on complete discretion, as often times the Mistress will be working either out of her home or a domestic room in her private studio. It also makes some roleplays a lot more “convincing” depending on the scenario. Domestic settings are a natural fit for any slave wanting a roleplay about a girlfriend, mother, teacher or babysitter, or any ABDL, humiliation, or sensual sessions.
  • Negatives: If you want a hardcore scene, the lack of some BDSM furniture can be frustrating. It can also be a hindrance if you’re doing a particularly messy session and either you or the Domme is worried about disrupting the space. Pausing to put a tarp down or clean a mess off the couch can really break the mood. At times a more relaxed space can either make the slave feel like the session is not intense or taboo enough, and sometimes it can lull a Domme into becoming too relaxed or even boring–the Mistress herself may slip into “vanilla” mode without even realizing it, though she would of course NEVER admit to it.

HOTEL ROOM – Common when traveling.

  • Positives: Neverending towels and a guard at the desk are a huge perk for me, and in general I am much more comfortable seeing slaves in a hotel room than I am in a rental dungeon. There’s also something delightfully naughty about sessioning in an unfamiliar space. The elicit anonymity of a hotel room can really add to the taboo nature of a session, making it feel like more of a lifestyle encounter than a transaction. Hotel rooms are generally designed and decorated well (at least the hotels I stay in), so I don’t have to worry about uncomfortable furniture or distasteful artwork on the walls. Most Mistresses, including myself, will intentionally choose centrally located hotels in order to maximize the number of sessions they can take when traveling. It bears mentioning I have NEVER, not once, had an issue with security or noise complaints at a hotel, and I have stayed in probably a hundred different properties all around the world.
  • Negatives: Most hotel rooms are pretty dirty, though the upkeep is designed to reassure you otherwise. You should NEVER drink out of the glasses or coffee maker without washing them first, and ALWAYS line the ice bucket with a plastic bag before filling it. Some hotels require key card access to use the elevators, which can be a major setback if you have a nervous client. It’s not a big deal for most people to hitch a ride with a hotel guest on their way up to your room, but if a client has paranoia about discretion it can put a damper on the first part of the session as his heart rate gets back to normal. Some clients don’t like the anonymous energy in hotel rooms either, finding it too tacky or “sex worker-ey” to be able to enjoy themselves. Finally, there is the limitation of equipment: a Domme can only fit so much into her suitcase each time she travels.

PUBLIC – A category all of its own.

  • Positives: Adding in other humans to your session can be terrifying, but if you’re ready to “break the fourth wall” as it were, public interaction can be one of the most powerful tools in your arsenal. It presents a layer of unpredictability and “realism” that cannot be replicated in any private space. Humiliation, adrenaline and exposure are the default settings for public scenes, and a Domme can put in very little energy and imagination while getting maximum reaction out of her submissive. There is also the constant threat of danger and even arrest, which is of course always under tight supervision by the Domme (we hope) so that it remains only a delicious threat.
  • Negatives: You’re limited in the equipment you can use, and sometimes the presence of other people can be a hindrance not a benefit (like when they decide to participate in a way that is not welcome). At times a Domme can embarrass herself inadvertently, which can disrupt the entire scene. If a submissive has a freakout, he may go well beyond what a Domme is capable of dealing with, including walking (or even running) off, or suffering some sort of small panic attack that he is unable to escape. There is also, always, the danger of being arrested or kicked out of the public venue. And many Dommes who specialize in public humiliation fail to take into account the inherent nonconsensual aspect of what they do: it’s a fine line that requires respect for ALL parties, including the public audience.

For any nervous first timers who want to ease into their virgin voyage with a Domme, a domestic session is a great, low-pressure environment. If you’re ready to jump into the deep end with your Mistress, you should opt for a dungeon. And if you’re not in New York and are obsessed with me, you should just fly me out to see you and put me up in a hotel!

When I session out of hotels, I always travel with a full kit which fits into two large hardshell suitcases. I pack carefully for each trip after going over my notes on each confirmed client. There’s nothing worse than showing up for a session and realizing you don’t have the crucial item you need. If there’s something in particular you’re looking to try, for example a humbler, electric probe, or toilet hood, tell me in advance and I’ll make sure to pack it, assuming I own it.

My own private space is a cross between domestic and dungeon: I have a limited selection of BDSM furniture but enough equipment to stock several dungeon rooms. Most of my kit is “hidden in plain sight,” however, as I like to keep things looking deceptively vanilla. If you decide you want to see me in my private space in New York City, you should note my screening process. I require either a good reference from a reputable independent, or a paid consultation in advance of the session in order to make sure you are safe and sane. It’s well worth it though: my space is gorgeous, immaculate, and always smells great. Just like me.

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Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional or psychologist. 

 

Safety Precautions for Psychological Edge Play

Here are some of the basic building blocks towards creating an emotional edge play scene. These steps don’t really apply towards more advanced physical scenes like the ones I mentioned last week–waterboarding, knife play, gun play, live burial, etc.–but chances are if you’re contemplating those types of scenes you’re doing your research elsewhere (and so you should!). The following methods are better suited for the “intermediate-level” mind fucker, and I hope that you are compassionate enough to use them wisely. You can do real and lasting damage unless you use these tools to aid your sub in growth and self-discovery.

If you’re not using edge play as a tool for growth, but merely for the purposes of fantasy and sexy fun-time, it is your responsibility as the dominant to make your sub understand afterwards (and sometimes even reinforcing before) that it is fantasy; that any undermining of their confidence or humiliation tactics are done to create the erotic experience of disempowerment but do not reflect how you actually feel about them “in real life.”

Brainwashing Domination

Domination does not end when you finish a scene. The best dominants will see a sub through the entire experience, including any prolonged recovery period–that goes double for psychological domination. It can take weeks to calm someone down from an intense psychological edge play scene, so make sure you have the maturity, patience, and compassion to be able to be there for her in the aftermath. The negative risks (if you ignore these safety guidelines) are that you can significantly impair someone’s ability to function happily–sometimes permanently, depending on the depth of your relationship. The net positive is that you can accelerate someone’s growth in a few hours with lessons that might have taken years to learn otherwise.

Weapons like these have been wielded in abusive relationships since the dawn of time by both men and women, but in a consensually nonconsensual context they can become extraordinarily hot, even healthy, and yes, even loving.

Intimate BDSM

 

Step 1: Create Intimacy

This is the best way to elicit trust from your sub, which you can then take advantage of at a later stage. It’s best played as a long game, but you can also fast track it to create a sense of deep, personal bond in less than an hour. Drop your defenses when first engaging with the person and give the appearance of being nonthreatening, warm and seductive. Be the first to volunteer some piece of information about you that makes them believe they are the only person who knows this “secret.”

Example 1: “That girl standing at the bar makes me really uncomfortable (semi-true).” Example 2: “I’m sorry if I seem upset, I just got a call that my family dog died (lie).” When they offer you something about their own inner life, look them in the eyes and listen, and offer gentle, supportive feedback. Let them feel they are getting to know “the real you” while in reality you’re dispensing only specific, calculated details that don’t actually expose any of your vulnerability points or “real self” at all. You must make them think you are being vulnerable while not actually being vulnerable. In the process, they will open up to you and become vulnerable but not feel that they’re doing so.

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Step 2: Identify Weaknesses

Once you’ve started to establish trust, you can begin to mine her for her weaknesses. Let these weaknesses come up in conversation, and look for the nonverbal cues as well in the way she moves and carry herself. The real gold is in her turn-ons, turn-offs, phobias, points of shame, deep desires, humiliation triggers, and areas of ineptitude and uncertainty. Study her in a way that does not appear obvious, but don’t be afraid to hide your agenda within a ruse-agenda. For instance, you can ask about her weaknesses directly while engaging in a distracting activity and then quickly divert to another topic. Regardless of how you get the information, try to memorize what she has said; if you can’t memorize quickly, write it down. A sub’s weaknesses are the key to creating intense emotional experiences for her. Think of it as benevolent malevolence.

Jealousy Cucquean

 

Step 3: Establish Sexual Inadequacy

One of the best ways to keep a submissive in your power is to allow them to believe that you’re doing them a favor by giving them your attention. This is not something that you should necessarily say outright, as often times that comes across as bragging or insecurity and can, especially with women, be a turn-off. However, gently creating a set of circumstances that let your sub see that you are interested in other more attractive people, and that they are interested in you, will many times make the sub feel deeply inadequate.

Example: ask a friend whose number you haven’t saved to your phone to text you a series of incredibly hot photos of someone who looks like your sub but is roughly twice as attractive, then leave your phone open on the table while you go to the bathroom. When your sub questions you about it, you should insist that it is just a friend texting you photos out of the blue, and that you have no idea why she is sending you bikini shots. Delete them in front of the sub and offer a convincing amelioration. “See? Meaningless.” Believable statements like this are great, because you can deny with 100% accuracy, while the seeds of insecurity are firmly planted in your sub’s mind. Side note: I understand there is a lot of polyamory in the lifestyle scene, so this technique may be less effective for such players. 

Behavior Modification

 

Step 4: Gentle Behavior Modification 

Convincing your sub to augment small aspects of her behavior or appearance that she has made habitual can disrupt her mental stability in shocking ways. The bigger the ask, the less likely your sub is to adopt it, so start with small things: new underwear, makeup, cologne or perfume of your choosing, new shoes, a supervised haircut, etc. This can be a very long game, but it is effective. If you choose your asks wisely you can make a sub feel like she “belongs” to you even while you have made no request or designs on ownership. The woman’s identity will slowly start to slip away as she loses herself, article by article, habit by habit, while you appear to be only innocently making suggestions on his improvement. By stripping away the familiar, you leave her dependent on you and starting to wonder before each action she takes, “what would HE think?” Meanwhile, you make no changes to yourself, thus maintaining ownership over your own person and hers.

Gaslighting Manipulation Edgeplay

 

Step 5: Create Disorientation

This can be achieved in many ways, but the goal is to make the sub question her sanity, emotional reactions, and sense of reality. It’s usually more effective once you’ve gone through steps 1 and 2, but you can fast track it with forced intoxication, sleep deprivation, or starvation (all to be discussed consensually beforehand). If you know someone well, casual gaslighting is great. The better you know someone, the less they will expect it.

Gaslighting is best achieved over a stretch of weeks, and is very effective with feelings of jealousy, paranoia, and intelligence/memory. Example 1: “Did you see that girl checking me out? No? Nevermind. Wow, that was really over the top (lie).” Example 2: “I still can’t get over how you were masturbating so furiously in your sleep last night. You don’t remember? It woke me up! Jeez, you must have been really unconscious…(lie).” Example 3: “Hey Hun, are you ready for date night tonight? What? You forgot?! We talked about this over the weekend! I’m so disappointed (lie).” You can also gaslight “experimentally” (proceed with caution), wherein you test out your tactics live just to gauge how well they work, how effective you are, and how receptive your sub is, but it works best to know the exact state of disorientation you wish to achieve before you begin and then work backwards. For instance, jealousy gaslighting will look much different than intelligence gaslighting. The more you can think it through beforehand the better your scene will be when you begin.

Roleplay BDSM Edgeplay

 

Step 6: Involve Others

Once you imply that you have involved other people in your dynamic (even if the others don’t know they’re involved), you cross a threshold into “reality” that will trigger strong reactions in most subs whether they want to admit it or not. If you’ve laid adequate groundwork by creating intimacy, identifying weakness, establishing sexual inadequacy, gently modifying behavior, and creating disorientation, the land mines of doubt are planted and need only the light touch of someone other than the sub to explode. What’s fascinating is that this person does not need to be you: all it takes is the mere implication that friends, coworkers, or even passersby might be involved for the sub to quickly fill in the blanks in a way that is terrifying and exhilarating.

Example 1: If you’re trying to set up a cuckolding or cucquean dynamic, arrange to go to a restaurant or bar where you know one of the staff. Make sure your sub does not know you know them. Then have the staff member shamelessly flirt with you in front of your sub, possibly even beyond what is normally socially appropriate. Play it off as funny or a fluke. Example 2: Ask a vanilla friend who is kink-curious and good at keeping a straight face to proposition your sub sexually at a party. When your sub turns him down, instruct him to politely offer money for her services. When she becomes offended and storms off to find you, probe until she tells you what happened. Then feign anger that she did not take him up on his offer, and march her over to your friend to make the arrangements. Be sure to keep at least half the money for yourself. Whether or not you actually go through with the roleplay is up to you, but a lot of the juice is in that initial interaction.

Addicted BDSM

 

The Reason Why Submissives Like It

If your sub can come out of the experience feeling that they are ultimately safe, attended to and cherished, you can get away with terrible things. The more you mind fuck someone, the more dangerous it becomes, but I have relationships where mind fucking has happily been a significant component of our dynamic for years. Ultimately, all subs want to feel their dominant is both more powerful than they are, and taking on the responsibility of being that God (or Goddess) figure is a gift to them. Basking in the glow of someone’s omnipotence and omniscience creates feelings of safety, meaning, structure, well-being, and even love-esidual experiences from when we all were at our most helpless, as children at the feet of our parents. Psychological edge play simply creates a set of false conditions that regress your sub to a state of helplessness once more, hopefully facilitating profound self-discovery and intimacy between you both along the way.

 

Psychological Edge Play Done Well

Psychological edge play is some of the most fascinating BDSM out there, and it allows the dominant to be writer, director, actor and producer of some of the best theater in the world! You may never feel such a power high again. Just bear in mind that since this is where kink becomes art, your submissive is the subject, product, and audience all at once; cherish them and proceed with their best interests at heart every step of the way. If used properly, this is one of the single most effective BDSM tactics for changing someone’s life for the better.

hitachi vibrator

 

Magic Wand: A Girl’s Best Friend

I received an email this morning from a female client who was over the moon after our last session together. It was a hot experience, and I certainly made a powerful impression on her judging by her flushed face when she left; long term, however, she preferred the company of my friend who I brought with me…

“You should know that you helped me out enormously by introducing me to my new Japanese boyfriend, Hitachi Magic Wand! I’d never been able to have an orgasm with another person before but it turns out that Hitachi was the missing element.”

For anyone who hasn’t tried masturbating with a Hitachi, I suggest dropping what you’re doing and buying one right now. I generally describe the experience as “ripping an orgasm out of you with a chainsaw.” Both men and women can enjoy this tool, and generally it’s equally effective on both sets of genitalia. I own one for use with my male partners, which I’ve had for about four years now. It has probably single-handedly (pun intended) saved me from Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

Thanks to the internet, magic wands are now pretty much ubiquitous no matter where you live. They’re technically supposed to be used as therapeutic “massagers” for other parts of your body, which IS still true, even though they are most notoriously used as sex toys. You can even get them at Walmart! (How dirty.) There are dozens of knock-off designs available for next to nothing on Amazon, though if you get anything under $50 you risk the motor burning out after a few months of use. The design pictured above is the standard, though there are many other types on the market. If you take your orgasms as seriously as I do, you should definitely think about an upmarket model.

 

Other Vibrator Models

I myself have a Doxy for personal use, which is one of the more expensive wands but holds up very well over time. It even comes in a few different fun colors (mine is black, in case you’re wondering). The different speed settings are incredibly helpful and one of the key features that sets it apart from the various standard Hitachi models. I also love the sleek design, which is a bit less “hospital” feeling with all of the horsepower of the original Hitachi. I believe they have made cordless versions in the past, though I think you might have to order from the UK to find one.

doxy-massager-black

I’ve heard mixed reviews about the waterproof cordless Lelo, though in general their products are some of the prettiest and sleekest on the market. My own Lelo is small and has a gorgeous design (smaller hand unit, not a wand), but I’m afraid doesn’t have quite the motor power that I need to have a truly mind-blowing experience. One of the bigger models (pictured below) will definitely have a stronger vibration to it than the small units, but the issue with cordless wands is always that you have to recharge them and risk a weaker vibration than models which plug into the wall. The upshot is, of course, that it’s waterproof, which makes it worth getting if you love playtime in the bath, shower or pool.

Lelo Cordless Vibrator

There are also lots of smaller versions of the classic wand out there, such as the Wanachi, though I personally find the motor speed is not strong enough to merit buying one. I would rather either use a smaller, classic insertable vibrator or a larger, highly capable exterior wand, and not waste my money on a middle-of the road purchase that satisfies neither requirement. I do know some people who like their the smaller models though, so if you’re still struggling to decide I would advise going in-store to somewhere like Babeland to sample the various speeds before you invest.

Wanachi mini wand

 

Attachments and Accessories

Whichever wand you decide to get, make sure you try at least one attachment. There are quite a few available now, both for men and women, and they are usually pretty affordable. Most of the insertables can be used both vaginally and anally, with the exception of the double-penetration caps which are meant for women only (see second image below). There are also lots of cock sheaths you can get which are useful if you want a unique, robotic-handjob type experience or simply if you lose patience with your male partner’s procrastinating member. If you decide you don’t like the attachment you’ve purchased after using it, please do us all a favor and don’t return it. Vibrators may help you unleash your impulses, but there is still some basic etiquette required!

Hitachi Vibrator Sex Toy Female Vibrator Sextoy Dick Attachment Vibrator Femdom

 

Hygiene: Soap and Water

Please clean your vibrators after every use, if possible. In addition to helping maintain the pleasant smell, taste and appearance of your toy, it’s also just a good habit to get into for sanitation. You can definitely catch STD’s from swapping it between yourself and your partner during sex, so bear that in mind and proceed with caution! If you’re too lazy to wash your toy with soap and water between uses, just wrap it in a condom and gently dry off any condom-lube on the outside after you’re done. I usually double-bag my Hitachi when I use it on a male, as sometimes the first condom will break with vigorous use. The ridges on the original model can be hard to fully clean, even with disinfectant wipes, so condoms are extra handy for cutting down on cleaning time.

 

Vibrator Shame: Get Over It!

If you still feel ashamed of buying such an audacious cum-tool, you should know that these things have been around for decades. There’s even a rather darling scene about a Hitachi at the end of Exit to Eden, that hilarious mid-90’s romantic comedy about a kinky sex island. Rosie O’Donnell’s character pulls one out of Dan Aykroyd’s bag, and he bashfully admits to having purchased it in order to resurrect his failed marriage. If a middle-aged, sexuallyepressed, vanilla doofus like him can buy one, so can you!

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Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional or psychologist. 

Introduction to Edge Play

“Edge play” is any kink activity that can easily lead to lasting damage or death. While the person at risk is usually thought of as a submissive, Dom/mes, tops, and bottoms are all capable of being irreparably damaged. However, throughout this article I’ll be focusing on the risks for the sub. With physical edge play, techniques can include the fun headline-fodder we’ve all seen before: knives, guns, ultra violence, branding, asphyxiation, fire play, waterboarding, or anything that can easily kill a person. Obviously death and lasting damage are things we want to avoid at all costs, but the rush of good-feeling neurochemicals that can come from some of the extreme pain and immobility in edge play can be unparalleled, for both Dom/me and sub.

There is an added component of psychological thrill in almost all edge play scenes, enough so that it has its own category. However, unlike physical edge play, “psychological edge play” provides a more challenging environment in which to work safely. Most capable Dom/mes can quickly tell with their eyes and ears if a person has been deprived of oxygen too long, or if an incision is too deep, but it’s much harder to tell when a verbal dagger has pierced someone’s core beyond repair.

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Deconstruction and Reconstruction: Domination at Its Finest

If not done properly, the necessary manipulation of a person’s psyche during this kind of play can easily create wounds in the subconscious, unseen and unknown to both Dom/me and sub, which can take years to heal. While there should be a period of “come down” after any intense psychological scene and, ideally, suffering which gives way to catharsis, the final goal is to have your sub re-enter the world a better, happier person. It should be a net positive experience. It takes years of practice and an innate fascination with the human mind in order to understand and become good at psychological edge play, and a deep sense of compassion and the ability to quickly and accurately read someone in order to do it safely.

I love psych-domination, especially extreme forms of it. It’s probably one of my favorite D/s activities. My more advanced submissives and I have that in common: a hunger for the “ragged edge,” as they say in racing, which places the sub on the precipice of a psychological breakdown. If you’re not ready for it, I don’t push you into it, just as I wouldn’t shove someone into a Formula One car if they’d only driven a few times. But for those people who seek it, I will push them as far as they think they can go and usually even farther–to the places where I see that they can go–provided of course they will still come out the other side. In short, I want to break you down and build you back up, better, stronger, and in my image.

paul rudd desperate addicted

 

Consensual Nonconsent in Context

This may sound like an inherently nonconsensual activity. It is.

Now, now. For all the vanillas, terrified newbies, and pious scene critics: I am in no way advocating abuse, or nonconsent outside of a BDSM setting. However, psychological edge play is, by definition, consensual nonconsent. Without an element of nonconsent, the whole thing topples over into the realm of predictable; if something is predictable that means your sub knows what’s going to happen next, and his mind will set up barriers to keep him from fully experiencing the scene. He will enjoy it, sure, just as a patron at a movie theater can enjoy a good horror movie without ever actually fearing for his own safety, versus someone who decides to go into one of those absolutely terrifying haunted houses at Halloween and literally thinks he’s going to die. In the movie theater, the pain and fear are still real enough to be fun, but not so real that it turns into “reality.” Safe scenes are still just theater, or sex, or some combination of the two. Psychological edge scenes must, by definition, trick the sub into thinking there is actually something real at stake.

As a starting point, if you want to create an edge play scenario you have to bypass enough mental safety features to give the sub the impression that almost anything could happen. If the sub feels that there are aspects to your behavior or the environment that are truly out of his control, unpredictable, then you have a shot at manipulating his mind into the kind of responses you want. Otherwise, his brain will work fast enough to be either with you, or a few steps ahead of you, and he will only allow you to enter into the topmost, superficial layers of his emotional experience without having any of the true highs and lows of emotional risk. Another pitfall of being predictable in a psychological edge play scene is that your sub will be able to see through your ruses/lies/distractions, or possibly even lose respect for you for not appearing as smart as he is.

paul rudd addicted femdom boner junky

 

Outsmarting Your Submissive

Ultimately, in most cases, a sub that craves this kind of experience wants his Dom/me to literally outsmart him. It’s part of the very common submissive desire to surrender to someone actually superior, as opposed to the fantasy of someone superior, which is part and parcel of the “reality” required to produce the emotional highs and lows of a mind fuck. You need not be more intelligent than your sub in ALL areas, as that is neither common nor satisfying, but you should at least be smarter than him in a FEW areas–most notably, the key aspects of his mind that you’ll be manipulating.

The process, which I’ll break down in more detail next week, is to understand his mental landscape so well that you can invade areas of his psyche that he doesn’t normally inhabit, move things around, potentially cause mass chaos, and then put things back together again before exiting. Usually this requires either knowing someone for years, or having a general sense of how the human mind will react to certain archetypical mind fuck scenarios (betrayal, infidelity, abandonment, ridicule, etc.). After years of experiential study and gradually upping the emotional risk in your psych-dom scenes, you will be able to enter into these mind fuck modes gracefully and without even thinking about it. It takes a long time to master, but once you do, you will probably find that while traditional physical scenes are fun, the mind fucking aspect is addictive.

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Emotional Implications of Psychological Edge Play

It’s the process of breaching a sub’s emotional barriers and spiking his adrenaline that makes a scene risky enough to be deemed psychological edge play; otherwise it’s not edge play–just “play.” A Dom/me must be willing to trigger intense psychological reactions, including the basic three negative ones: anger, sadness, and fear. Most submissives in a traditional, consensual scene would be immediately “taken out of their zone” if any of those three emotions showed up in a major way. However, edge play demands that one, if not all, of those emotions feature heavily in the scene, and occasionally other deviations: disgust, surprise, shame, terror, guilt, self-loathing and regret are all tools in the kit of a good psych-Dom/me. It is these extreme emotions that produce adrenaline and cause the psychological turmoil needed to transgress into unpredictable territory. A Dom/me needs to prepare for the likely reactions of a sub in any given psychological edge play situation, which can include having a Plan B (in case Plan A malfunctions technically), a “lite version” (in case Plan A is too extreme) and a kill switch (a set of behaviors from the sub that indicate the scene needs to end).

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How to Aftercare with Psychological Domination

Once a sub is manipulated into having the emotional reaction you’re looking for, you also need to have an exit strategy to get him back down to Earth again, internalize whatever lesson you were trying to teach him, and in general help him process the experience into a positive one. This is what’s known as aftercare, but it’s about far more than cuddles and sweets. Make sure you have built in some greater meaning into the scene, even if you have to make it up when you’ve finished: your sub probably won’t know the difference if you’re fibbing, as long as you make it sound convincing.

Whether you state it outright or not, he needs to feel both that he’s ultimately safe with you moving forward, and that you engineered the entire thing for his greater good. I strongly recommend that you never say anything afterwards like, “I thought you wanted this,” or “you asked me to mind fuck you, so I did.” Such shirking of responsibility can create a spiral of guilt and shame around edge play itself (consider it meta edge play) that may negatively affect future scenes and possibly a sub’s entire relationship to D/s.

paul rudd domination mistress

 

Choosing Your Scene Partners Wisely

Please, subs: don’t play with anyone who you don’t feel has your best interests in mind–and I don’t just mean in that horny moment that you’re together, but your best interests in general. Although edge play is dangerous, it is far safer in the hands of someone compassionate who knows what they’re doing than even the most banal BDSM is in the hands of someone selfish. Think of edge play like a knife: if you hand a razor-sharp saber to a professional swordsman and tell him to play with you without hurting you, you will be very safe and probably walk away unscathed. If you hand a Swiss army knife to an arrogant teenager, you could easily end up in the hospital. There are lots of inexperienced Dom/mes out there who have all of the emotional maturity of an arrogant teenager. I’ve seen such fools deliver lasting psychological damage with a mere spanking.

Nothing and no one can protect you from a bad judgment call on who you choose to submit to, so make sure you take responsibility going into any scene and research who you’re playing with. This is as important for people seeking professional Dom/mes as lifestyle ones. Never question your gut reaction to someone, and if you feel uncomfortable in a scene you should always feel free to stop it and leave immediately. It becomes quite difficult when a sub’s fantasies revolve around actual abuse or emotional masochism, but it is vastly better to find a nice person who can learn to become consensually abusive in the ways that you like, than a genuinely abusive person who pretends to be nice in order to win you over. All BDSM comes with inherent risks, and the more dangerous the activity the higher the risk. It’s important to state the obvious here because I have seen many subs have bad experiences due to either underestimating the effect of a given activity or applying wishful thinking to the character or skill level of their Dom/me. Be smart. Be discerning. Don’t forget why you’re here: fun, adventure, self-discovery, and sometimes, when all the pieces are in place, even love.

cluelessudd-silverstone

Next week: Part 2! A step-by-step guide to psychological edge play including simple, fun ways to mind fuck anyone, from a total stranger to your husband or wife.

I am well-familiar with the kind of client who, in a shy or perhaps even self-entitled tone of voice, asks if I conduct my sessions while “watching the clock.” This usually means that he would like me to go over our allotted time and not ask him to pay an additional tribute. Occasionally I do go “over time” with my clients, of my own volition, but by and large I am extremely busy with both sessions and “real life” commitments and simply don’t have the energy or freedom-of-schedule to regularly extend past the session’s end. It raises a bigger question though: why would someone ask that at all? I can certainly understand the offense of a service provider of *any* kind blatantly staring at their watch. It makes you the client feel like you don’t matter to your Domme and furthermore is totally avoidable–hello, put a clock on the wall? periphery glances? But to ask that any professional female not hold herself to the same standards of another business owner or freelance service provider is, when examined, an act of quiet misogyny. That is a bold statement but I challenge anyone to convincingly refute it.

I like the metaphor of a hotel: would you go into a hotel and pay for one night, then expect them to grant you a week’s free stay? There is an important difference in the comparison between a ProDomme and a hotel though: a ProDomme has to present the illusion of a nonprofessional setting. In other words, most hotels do not pretend that you are being invited into their home out of the generosity of their heart, and that the money is just an incidental fee to cover cleaning, or even just a nonessential “thank you” tribute to the hotel owner. More often than not, however, our clients want to pretend that it is not “just a job” for us; that there is actually an emotional and, dare I say, sexual connection; that we love doing this and would play with them even if there were no money exchanged. I am not necessarily saying any of those things are false, by the way. In a way I would argue that it is literally the job of the ProDomme to find and/or engineer a connection with each and every client, so perhaps in that sense we are obligated to surpass the “professional” boundaries that some other business owners might take refuge in. And if you don’t like your job, you should be seeking another career, whether you’re a ProDomme or a hotel owner. But because both Domme and sub go into some pretty extreme territory in session, wherein many boundaries which would otherwise be in place in a professional exchange are completely shattered, the few boundaries that remain are very, very important. I think this goes for sex workers as well. You already ask–and get–a great deal of our personal (read: above and beyond normal “professional”) energy and attention. At least that’s how I run my sessions. I give a lot, as do most of the top Dommes I know. So if you want anything more than that, please remember that–fantasy aside–we are professionals. Ask of us what you would ask of a personal trainer, a doctor, a psychologist, or a hotel concierge. And if you laugh at the comparison of domination to any of the above, I would say your misogyny has now become quite loud.

 

Newsflash: most independent Dommes at the top of their game do NOT have time to waste and CANNOT risk a no-show appointment. We don’t sit around waiting for the phone to ring (well, I don’t anyway, in fact it rings so damn much I keep it on silent most of the time) which creates the need for deposits. Between session, photoshoots, filming, personal slaves, events, and a little thing called real life we are all usually busy if not downright mental with things to do every single day. I usually book up 3-7 days in advance, and I’m talking the day-of I will not have even a spare hour free. There are some instances where I deem it unnecessary to take a deposit, but that is my call not yours. And if privacy is your issue…I accept both cash drop-off the day before the session or online deposits: I understand discretion. If you are not willing to provide a small token in advance of your first session with me, please see the discussion below for a possible change in your outlook.

—–Original Message—–
From: darcy@mistressdarcy.com
Sent: Sunday, July 29, 2012 5:32pm

Hello. My requests are not unreasonable.

-Most respectable independent Dommes require either a deposit or a reference or both.
-I am *very* well reviewed online. On my website, on various google searches, on maxfisch, on the erotic review. You essentially are able to find out almost everything about me as a Dominant Female at the click of a button, and I am able to find out NOTHING about you. I have something to lose from lying, i.e. my reputation. You have very little to lose by lying.
-Perhaps the service providers you are referring to are of a lower caliber. If you are not comfortable doing what is *professionally neccessary* to see a Domme of my status you should not be contacting me. Your accusation of mistrust shows me that you are not familiar with how top Dominants conduct themselves.
-Your poor grammar and spelling leads me to believe you are far from “real” yourself.

In summary: I’m glad you realized we are incompatible. Thank you in advance for not emailing me again.

—–Original Message—–>
Sent: Saturday, July 28, 2012 6:42pm
To: darcy@mistressdarcy.com

Maam – That is a lot of upfront asks. I am very real akd looking foe something longer term. There are way too may service providers in the city and I have heard of people getting burned when the send a deposit.

I do not think we will be compatible as if we go the route of asks I will need to see a picture of your flats (as providers do sometimes lie) and would need two client references.

Mistrust creates mistrust and that is not a good way to start. If something changes on your end let me know. Your ad was appealing but your reply was a complete non-starter. Thanks

> Date: Sat, 28 Jul 2012 17:28:25 -0400
> From: darcy@mistressdarcy.com
>
> It is possible on Monday yes. If you would like to confirm the session I will need a nonefundable deposit upfront. I will also need a reference from another independent you’ve seen in the past.
>
> Darcy
>
> —–Original Message—–
> Sent: Saturday, July 28, 2012 10:14am
> To: darcy@mistressdarcy.com
>
>
> Ma’am – Hope all is well. Curious if you were available at all this weekend for a session. An ideal session would be one where you wear normal clothing with casual ballet flats (like a lot of women wear this days i.e. round or pointy toed) with / without nylons and either used my face and body like a floormat while you ignored me and went about your business or while you humiliated me.
>
> Would this be possible Ma’am?
>