corset-wm-100

I have an opening for a new domestic slave in New York City, all genders welcome. Titles I will consider:

  • Maid
  • Secretary
  • Errand Boy
  • Girl/Boy Friday
  • Lackey

This particular position will involve working closely with me in both my home and my studio, as well as a certain requisite amount of public interaction (going to the store, coming with me on errands, running errands yourself, etc). You will need to budget approximately 8-10 hours per week for the duration of your service. Please apply here and a member of the team will get back to you as soon as possible. If it is not incredibly clear already: this is not a paid position. Nor are you asked to pay. This is personal slavery: a way to better my life in very specific and tangible ways.

I am always seeking out new team members for the stable of slaves that collectively make up Team Darcy. I require New York City slaves for numerous tasks on a daily basis and an assortment of remote/long distance slaves to handle my administrative work. I could not do what I do without my team. Regardless of your location or position, in order to apply you must be a dedicated, service-oriented submissive focused on making my life easier in any way that you can.

Part 2 of 2. More considerations for taking a submissive into your hands.

giphy

Physical Safety vs. Psychological Safety

By and large the most painful wounds in BDSM are psychological. Body wounds can heal fairly quickly (aside from lacerations and broken bones), and most physical BDSM activities will not leave a permanent scar when done with any sort of knowledge or skill. However, the scars from a psychological mishap or emotional misunderstanding can last years. And years. It’s not only painful for a sub – the guilt a conscientious Dom/me feels after compromising the safety of a scene is, in itself, an excruciating punishment for that person.

Before you engage in any edge play, psychological play, or emotional manipulation in a D/s capacity, you should be very familiar with the likely risks and outcomes for that particular partner with those particular activities. Read my blogs on Psychological Edge Play, Part 1 and Part 2. If you know that someone has a history of psychological instability, it’s not a good idea to play with them intensely at first, or possibly even at all. There are times when a sub will present themselves as stable or “game” for what you offer in a scene, but if your sub does not have a steady constitution at the time, you may inadvertently trigger issues that can be damaging for both of you. You also need to be able to also read a sub’s face and body to quickly detect signs of trouble, since things can go from “great” to “red alert” in three seconds or less.

tumblr_n4q2050hYH1r60h6bo5_250 tumblr_nj97apamSy1tbkqj4o3_250

If your submissive expresses hurt before, during or after a scene that you sense to be a kind of “meta” hurt, i.e. not something you intended to create but relating to your abilities or intentions as a dominant in general, you must adopt radical maturity and do your best to alleviate their pain. Do not take a person’s emotional landscape lightly, but at the same time try to piece apart what is factual from what is emotional. Sometimes a sub can project past pain onto a Dom/me, which can be very confusing for both parties. Although it is very complicated at times, both Dom/me and sub must both do the best they can to decipher what is the Dom/me’s intention and responsibility in the scene, and what baggage or damage were created by someone else before the scene ever began. Mutual respect and giving the other party the benefit of the doubt is important, and in the absence of a sound resolution you can sometimes rely on prior reputation or history in order to ascertain that person’s views and reactions.
giphy (1)
Mistakes

THEY HAPPEN. You will fuck up. You will misjudge. You will drop, break, and lose things over the years, including relationships. That’s the nature of BDSM – where there is risk, there is reward. We didn’t get into the scene for predictability. Remember your first romantic relationship, back in middle school or high school (or elementary school if you’re me)? Did you make mistakes then? You were learning about love, and this is learning about BDSM – just as dangerous, if not more so. The key difference being that we are adults now, and should, in general, be better suited to avoiding failure than we were as children and teenagers.

Secretary Ds

Still, it’s important to keep a sense of levity and grace about your own mistakes, which will in turn help you forgive the mistakes of others. Your subs will fuck up, and you need to be able to both provide structure to correct them and forgiveness when they apologize. They will, in turn, forgive you, provided they are not too traumatized by whatever it is you’ve done!

It IS the job of a dominant to ensure that he or she makes as few mistakes as possible, however, and to understand the stakes of their failures when and if they happen. There are many activities within BDSM that can kill someone, or at the very least send him or her to the hospital. A great, highly technical or risky scene can feel like this sometimes, but it’s worth it to feel like this at the end.

giphy

Recklessness

Good Dom/mes can do bad things. It doesn’t make them bad. The real dangers, i.e. “bad Dom/mes,” are those who are consistently incompetent, unaware of their own power, inconsiderate of others’ limitations, or interested in nonconsent with submissives that have not agreed to a nonconsensual dynamic. All of the above are considered reckless. Reckless Dom/mes will, eventually, face consequences, as they cannot operate continuously in the structure of any local “scene” and not eventually develop a reputation as such. Dom/mes need submissives to exist, otherwise they are just fantasists; most Dominants will eventually find themselves in need of a new play partner, and this will put them back in the scene and searching for a new, willing sub.

Even if a Dom/me becomes well known as being reckless, it does not mean he or she is a bad person. Still, you should always do your homework before playing with a new Dom/me. Does he or she have references? Do your friends know him or her well? Can you ask some basic questions (as equals) to assess BDSM skill level, compassion, listening and intelligence? Do they provide aftercare, if you need it?

femsub secretary

A dominant should go into a scene knowing pretty accurately how anything they are even considering doing to you will affect you physically and psychologically. Again – mistakes happen, and it’s not always easy to be accurate about projected outcomes, but at least if your Dom/me has thought about the effects of the activities on you, you know they care about your wellbeing. There is a huge difference between someone who misjudges a scene, and someone who does not care what a scene does to the submissive emotionally or physically. It is your job as a submissive to assess what kind of person your prospective dominant is, decide whether it is healthy for you to play with them, and, if you do, be as transparent as possible before, during and after the scene about your experience and limitations. Otherwise the recklessness is yours.

In Summary

Playing in the BDSM scene is as complex and potentially dangerous as playing with a weapon, so you should do your utmost to understand the risks before you dive in. That being said, once you understand the rules and safety mechanisms, you can have more fun then you ever thought possible. Try to be a considerate and conscientious Dom/me, and you will win the affection and loyalty of your submissive(s) wherever you go.

maledom Femsub
Mac Fetish

The infamous Slutever just sent me an interview we did ages ago for Mac Cosmetics’ Magazine. I love her body of work as a journalist – she’s one of the great, iconic voices of progressive sexuality in the US right now. We’ve done a few interviews over the years, and they are inevitably insightful, provocative, fun and, on occasion, truly hilarious. Thanks gorgeous, for another great piece!

Karley Sciortino: Many people think the role of a dominatrix is simply to dominate and abuse people. They don’t realize that often sessions are catered to a client’s specific desires. Would you say your job is to execute you clients’ fantasies’ in a believable or pleasurable way?

Mistress Dee: That’s part of it. There are different kinds of dommes, just like there are different types of lawyers or chefs or anything else in the world. Some dommes feel that the service they provide is to execute people’s fantasies verbatim. Personally, I start by saying, “give me your full list of interests” – this is where their fantasies come into play – as well as a list of their hard limits. This gives me an idea of their mental landscape. So in the session, I don’t only address what they want, but also what they might not even know they want – this gives me the power. But I always have to address enough of the client’s interests that he or she continues to want to play the game – because it is a type of game; it’s removed from reality, which is what makes it BDSM, rather than actual physical or psychological abuse. I can’t completely tell the client to just do whatever I want, because then he’ll never come back to session with me again, and ultimately one of my fantasies is to make a lot of money, so I need clients.

Full interview here. Click on “see full feature” at the bottom.

Kinky_Dating

I always encourage my clients to adopt a pro-honesty, pro-relationship attitude about kink in their personal lives (meaning spouses, significant others, and any close relationships), which goes double for anyone who’s actively seeking a romantic/sexual/BDSM relationship outside of pro sessions.

Personal BDSM relationships don’t necessarily preclude professional ones, but even when they do I have so many clients that it doesn’t negatively impact my practice to counsel my clients (who desire it) towards an exit strategy from pro sessions, especially anyone under 30. I want to see my slaves (well, everyone I know really!) fulfilled in profound and life-altering ways, and I try to let my dominance extend past the end of the session and echo into the days, weeks, and even months afterwards so that your life actually improves after you leave in ways you didn’t expect. In an ideal world you should always feel my guidance and care as you move through life, whether you’ve seen me recently or not. Kink is meant to be a net positive experience. It saddens me that some of you believe you won’t ever find a personal relationship that incorporates both sides of you. I LITERALLY believe that your dream partner(s) are out there waiting for you right now, and I dearly hope they manifest after you read this.

Here is a SURPRISING list of steps that will help you find your BDSM SOULMATE. It’s not necessarily easy, but you need to look at what YOU have been doing to get in the way of your own relationship happiness and then take the necessary actions to change your attitude. You won’t be sorry and will only benefit from this kind of deep inner analysis and work.

1. Adopt Radical Self-Acceptance. Your kink is not a weakness, it’s a strength. It’s not a caveat, i.e. “he’s a great guy, BUT…” Your kink is a gift, i.e. “he’s a great guy, AND…”. Interests like yours don’t make you just different, or even different-but-equal. You are different-and-better. I know: I’ve lived years on both sides. BDSM enthusiasts are the connoisseurs of sex. Your erotic life (with or without intercourse) is SO MUCH better than billions of others’ as a result of being sexually adventurous and will only get richer with time. You have passion, complexity and a sense of fun and you’re brave enough to explore your desires. Kudos to you: you’re part of the sexual elite.

2. Draw a Line in the Sand. Say outloud, right now, I REFUSE to settle for anything less than someone who accepts all sides of me. You have to know the perfect partner is out there for you–I’m sure you’ve thought about him or her before and what their core values and traits are. Lose sight of the visual and demand that your partner meet your requirements emotionally and mentally. You need to stop making exceptions and allowing partners into your life who either don’t accept your kinky side or don’t treat you with respect and care. It’s okay to long for it, by the way. Longing opens you up and makes you vulnerable. Don’t let it make you aggressive, pathetic or desperate, but if you are honest and surrender to your longing for a partner that longing will magnetize them to you. If you’re doing it right, this whole process should make you MORE confident, not less.

3. Tell Them Upfront. Mention it on the first date. Don’t wait. You don’t need to get into the gory details and should always exercise tact and decorum, of course, but there is no reason to be dishonest or lie about your kinky side in a dating context–not in the age of the internet, anyway! If they react negatively to what you say (as long as you’ve said it respectfully and not with the agenda of getting them to sleep with you or play with you immediately) then you should write them off and never call them again. I don’t care how hot they are. Find a way to put a positive spin on it and create intrigue if you’re attempting to convert a vanilla. For instance, a diehard foot fetishist might at some point say, “I would LOVE to spoil your feet sometime, and if you’ve never experienced that from someone you are seriously missing out. Shoe shopping, massages, kisses: what girl WOULDN’T want that?” Remember that your kink is a gift to the partners you meet. If they don’t want it, it’s their loss.

4. Get Out There. Meet them on OKC, Tinder, Fetlife, Whiplr, whatever! Go on three dates a week minimum. If you’re not seeing results within a month then chances are you need to revisit steps one through three.

As for me, I have met and had longterm relationships with some INCREDIBLY good looking kinky men on Fetlife, Whiplr, and through friends of friends and at parties. Just like you, I have had to work my way through all four of the steps above. Step one is by far THE MOST IMPORTANT. It’s taken me eight years, but I can finally say I love my kinks and think they are a huge gift to whoever I deem good enough to receive them. I’m pretty selective about who I date these days, and though I haven’t met my soulmate yet I know he’s out there and will come into my life at the perfect moment. In the meantime, I’m having an incredible time along the way! Dating is important, but remember: it ain’t everything!