I always encourage my clients to adopt a pro-honesty, pro-relationship attitude about kink in their personal lives (meaning spouses, significant others, and any close relationships), which goes double for anyone who’s actively seeking a romantic/sexual/BDSM relationship outside of pro sessions.
Personal BDSM relationships don’t necessarily preclude professional ones, but even when they do I have so many clients that it doesn’t negatively impact my practice to counsel my clients (who desire it) towards an exit strategy from pro sessions, especially anyone under 30. I want to see my slaves (well, everyone I know really!) fulfilled in profound and life-altering ways, and I try to let my dominance extend past the end of the session and echo into the days, weeks, and even months afterwards so that your life actually improves after you leave in ways you didn’t expect. In an ideal world you should always feel my guidance and care as you move through life, whether you’ve seen me recently or not. Kink is meant to be a net positive experience. It saddens me that some of you believe you won’t ever find a personal relationship that incorporates both sides of you. I LITERALLY believe that your dream partner(s) are out there waiting for you right now, and I dearly hope they manifest after you read this.
Here is a SURPRISING list of steps that will help you find your BDSM SOULMATE. It’s not necessarily easy, but you need to look at what YOU have been doing to get in the way of your own relationship happiness and then take the necessary actions to change your attitude. You won’t be sorry and will only benefit from this kind of deep inner analysis and work.
1. Adopt Radical Self-Acceptance. Your kink is not a weakness, it’s a strength. It’s not a caveat, i.e. “he’s a great guy, BUT…” Your kink is a gift, i.e. “he’s a great guy, AND…”. Interests like yours don’t make you just different, or even different-but-equal. You are different-and-better. I know: I’ve lived years on both sides. BDSM enthusiasts are the connoisseurs of sex. Your erotic life (with or without intercourse) is SO MUCH better than billions of others’ as a result of being sexually adventurous and will only get richer with time. You have passion, complexity and a sense of fun and you’re brave enough to explore your desires. Kudos to you: you’re part of the sexual elite.
2. Draw a Line in the Sand. Say outloud, right now, I REFUSE to settle for anything less than someone who accepts all sides of me. You have to know the perfect partner is out there for you–I’m sure you’ve thought about him or her before and what their core values and traits are. Lose sight of the visual and demand that your partner meet your requirements emotionally and mentally. You need to stop making exceptions and allowing partners into your life who either don’t accept your kinky side or don’t treat you with respect and care. It’s okay to long for it, by the way. Longing opens you up and makes you vulnerable. Don’t let it make you aggressive, pathetic or desperate, but if you are honest and surrender to your longing for a partner that longing will magnetize them to you. If you’re doing it right, this whole process should make you MORE confident, not less.
3. Tell Them Upfront. Mention it on the first date. Don’t wait. You don’t need to get into the gory details and should always exercise tact and decorum, of course, but there is no reason to be dishonest or lie about your kinky side in a dating context–not in the age of the internet, anyway! If they react negatively to what you say (as long as you’ve said it respectfully and not with the agenda of getting them to sleep with you or play with you immediately) then you should write them off and never call them again. I don’t care how hot they are. Find a way to put a positive spin on it and create intrigue if you’re attempting to convert a vanilla. For instance, a diehard foot fetishist might at some point say, “I would LOVE to spoil your feet sometime, and if you’ve never experienced that from someone you are seriously missing out. Shoe shopping, massages, kisses: what girl WOULDN’T want that?” Remember that your kink is a gift to the partners you meet. If they don’t want it, it’s their loss.
4. Get Out There. Meet them on OKC, Tinder, Fetlife, Whiplr, whatever! Go on three dates a week minimum. If you’re not seeing results within a month then chances are you need to revisit steps one through three.
As for me, I have met and had longterm relationships with some INCREDIBLY good looking kinky men on Fetlife, Whiplr, and through friends of friends and at parties. Just like you, I have had to work my way through all four of the steps above. Step one is by far THE MOST IMPORTANT. It’s taken me eight years, but I can finally say I love my kinks and think they are a huge gift to whoever I deem good enough to receive them. I’m pretty selective about who I date these days, and though I haven’t met my soulmate yet I know he’s out there and will come into my life at the perfect moment. In the meantime, I’m having an incredible time along the way! Dating is important, but remember: it ain’t everything!