With Valentine’s Day on the horizon, I’m thinking a lot about love. I love love. It’s one of those few universal cure-alls that invariably makes any situation better. Whether I’m thrashing a sub’s backside bloody or cradling a sub girl as we drift off to sleep, it’s all done with love. BDSM at its best is an expression of love, and anyone who doesn’t believe that is either misguided or missing out on one of life’s greatest pleasures.
I don’t need kink to express my love, however, and in my private love life kink is something I usually save until I get to know someone–probably because of the extremity with which I express my kink. I’m a hardcore D/s enthusiast, and so BDSM becomes by extension very psychologically intimate. The depth with which I explore my partners’ minds can be the psychological equivalent of being stripped bare in an operating theater and letting a doctor examine you inside and out with a magnifying glass. When you couple that level of psychological intimacy with emotional and physio-sexual intimacy, it can get pretty overwhelming pretty fast.
I prefer to build a solid vanilla relationship with my romantic partners first, or at the very least a vanilla understanding, as long as they are open-minded and accepting of my job. This may sound shocking given my reputation in the industry; many people expect me to demand kink on the first date, but this is something I almost patently refuse to do. With a solid vanilla bond in place, however, I find I can go farther and deeper with someone in our kink because we’ve already established a firm basis of trust and affection.
My need for vanilla connection doesn’t apply to my personal slaves, though. I cherish my slaves, don’t misunderstand me, but I’ve never dated one. They occupy a totally different place in my consciousness, and bring totally different things to my life than a romantic partner. If you ask a slave, and I mean a died-in-the-wool service slave, most will tell you the same thing: they don’t want a Domme to be their friend or lover, they want her to be their owner.
When it comes to a romantic partner, I need someone who is my equal. My ideal is a vanilla-leaning, successful alpha male who is amused by my career as a Domme but not directly impacted by it. I have dated subs, switches, Doms and fetishists (all of which can be alpha males), and because I work so much I need someone who can take my mind off of BDSM when we’re not kinking out together.
This week I’m featured in the New York Observer in an article about New York’s most eligible singles, and in the interview I basically admit to everything I’ve just said. I’m friends with the editor, and as he quizzed me on some of my preferences in relationships, I couldn’t help but open up about my feelings on the topic under his warm and inquisitive gaze. I was a bit surprised to find myself admitting kink chemistry isn’t the first thing I look for in a partner. My subs and clients might be surprised to learn that too, or even put off. However, part of my business model is to offer my authentic self in my sessions. These days I don’t feel the need to hide behind the mask of what people think a Domme should be. What’s true is true: person first, kink second.
All that being said, here are the traits I look for in my King:
Intelligence: He must be at least as smart as me. I also love a man who is MORE intelligent than I am, but it’s rare for me to meet one.
Kindness: Brains are nothing without heart.
Humor: A man who makes me laugh is 100 times more likely to be invited into my bed than one who doesn’t. Humor-wise I’m more Tim and Eric/Danny McBride than Adam Sandler/South Park.
Emotional Support: It’s not enough to be all of the above, I also need a partner who recognizes my emotional needs and can be there to help when I’m having a bad day. Although I am generally happy and successful, I have my moments of sadness and uncertainty just like everyone else.
Adventurous: This is a combination of energetic and open-minded with at least a tolerance of travel. Adventurous means my man doesn’t like to just sit around and watch TV: he’d rather be out sight-seeing, planning our next trip, or out with me in nature. He also has to be open-minded in the bedroom (obviously), as well as socially and creatively flexible.
Looks: Note that this is next to last on the list. That being said, I’m a wreck for a hot male model. Jawline and abs, mmph!
Cool: How else to say it? Don’t be lame or awkward.
In summary, my ideal man is someone who can embody all these traits and, above all else, prioritize me and give freely of his affection. In return, I treat him as any Queen treats her King: with respect and utmost love. If you have a Queen in your life and have been dying to tell her how you feel, maybe this week is a good opportunity. And if you’re still out there searching for your King or Queen, take heart. I truly believe everyone has someone for them out there in the world.
Photo Stephen Perry