trump-tough-leather-gun

This isn’t an endorsement of Trump, but it is an endorsement of his peculiar ability to provide a brutally honest assessment of the status quo. I think the reason so many people respond to Trump positively is that he is an emotional candidate who takes stock of things in a raw, unapologetic way and responds swiftly to stumbling blocks with words, not actions, whenever he can. It’s a trait many of us wish we had: the ability to do something about the things that bother us.

Have you tried that same tactic on with your own life ever? How about your sex life? How about your marriage? Take a page from Trump and get real with the situations you’ve created for yourself. It’s uncomfortable, but it’s the only way you can start to bring about change.

The majority of my clients are unhappy in some way with their sex life or romantic partnership. I provide an outlet for them to temporarily fix the problem, but the looks on their faces as many of them leave tells me they didn’t want their time with me to ever end. What a horrible way to go through life: feeling as though you’re only really truly living for a few hours each week. Of course we all have moments that are more enjoyable than others–highlights and low lights–but I’m challenging you to raise the bar on your joy and demand that your life be better. Especially your sex/kink life. (NB: sex and kink are by no means the same thing, but I put them together in the same phrase because they’re often related.)

Every single person out there who is sexually energized deserves to express that sexuality whenever and however they can, criminals and abusers aside obviously! Chances are your sex drive and kink drive really aren’t hurting anyone, so if you’re unfulfilled it begs the question: why are you allowing that unfulfillment?

I’m used to being the highlight of my clients’ day/week/month/year, and frankly I love it. I see my role as somewhere between Seductress and Shaman. As long as there are tales of love, there will be tales of the Woman You Cannot Have, but surely there’s a happy medium. You might not be able to BE with me, or be my slave all the time, every day, but for too many kind, devoted, and otherwise intelligent clients of mine there is a chasm between the fantasy of having someone like me as their partner and the partner they actually have (if they are even partnered at all).

I have enough clients that it in no way threatens my livelihood to encourage them to get out and start meeting men and women on the lifestyle scene, if they’re single. If my client is married and in a sexually repressed partnership, I offer coaching, female empowerment courses for wives and girlfriends, and double sessions that have literally transformed marriages. There’s no reason to have your fantasies impossibly far from your reality. You can have it all.

Take stock of your happiness right now. Are you joyful in your personal life situation? If so, go away: we’re commiserating over here. If not, write out a description of your perfect and complete dream life. What is the absolute best case scenario for you, especially regarding relationship and partnership? Do you crave one ideal soulmate or a few play partners and a primary? How do you want to feel with that person(s) every day? What are the inner traits in your partner that you want at the forefront of your relationship? How much and what kind of sex/kink would you like to be doing every day?

Becoming a ProDomme changed my sex life forever. Not only do I (feel like I) get younger and hornier every year, but it raised my personal standard on the kind of person I wanted to be with. My definition of physical, emotional and mental chemistry is very, very high now, and it was my experiences in kink that helped me claim that standard. Thanks to kink and D/s I also demand people treat me well now, and I won’t tolerate an oppressive relationship in any form. My journey took eight years, but it’s been worth the wait. If you had guaranteed happiness waiting at the end of eight years of personal development and exploration, wouldn’t you start today?

Postscript: I am not, nor would I ever, vote for Donald Trump.

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With Valentine’s Day on the horizon, I’m thinking a lot about love. I love love. It’s one of those few universal cure-alls that invariably makes any situation better. Whether I’m thrashing a sub’s backside bloody or cradling a sub girl as we drift off to sleep, it’s all done with love. BDSM at its best is an expression of love, and anyone who doesn’t believe that is either misguided or missing out on one of life’s greatest pleasures.

I don’t need kink to express my love, however, and in my private love life kink is something I usually save until I get to know someone–probably because of the extremity with which I express my kink. I’m a hardcore D/s enthusiast, and so BDSM becomes by extension very psychologically intimate. The depth with which I explore my partners’ minds can be the psychological equivalent of being stripped bare in an operating theater and letting a doctor examine you inside and out with a magnifying glass. When you couple that level of psychological intimacy with emotional and physio-sexual intimacy, it can get pretty overwhelming pretty fast.

I prefer to build a solid vanilla relationship with my romantic partners first, or at the very least a vanilla understanding, as long as they are open-minded and accepting of my job. This may sound shocking given my reputation in the industry; many people expect me to demand kink on the first date, but this is something I almost patently refuse to do. With a solid vanilla bond in place, however, I find I can go farther and deeper with someone in our kink because we’ve already established a firm basis of trust and affection.

My need for vanilla connection doesn’t apply to my personal slaves, though. I cherish my slaves, don’t misunderstand me, but I’ve never dated one. They occupy a totally different place in my consciousness, and bring totally different things to my life than a romantic partner. If you ask a slave, and I mean a died-in-the-wool service slave, most will tell you the same thing: they don’t want a Domme to be their friend or lover, they want her to be their owner.

When it comes to a romantic partner, I need someone who is my equal. My ideal is a vanilla-leaning, successful alpha male who is amused by my career as a Domme but not directly impacted by it. I have dated subs, switches, Doms and fetishists (all of which can be alpha males), and because I work so much I need someone who can take my mind off of BDSM when we’re not kinking out together.

This week I’m featured in the New York Observer in an article about New York’s most eligible singles, and in the interview I basically admit to everything I’ve just said. I’m friends with the editor, and as he quizzed me on some of my preferences in relationships, I couldn’t help but open up about my feelings on the topic under his warm and inquisitive gaze. I was a bit surprised to find myself admitting kink chemistry isn’t the first thing I look for in a partner. My subs and clients might be surprised to learn that too, or even put off. However, part of my business model is to offer my authentic self in my sessions. These days I don’t feel the need to hide behind the mask of what people think a Domme should be. What’s true is true: person first, kink second.

All that being said, here are the traits I look for in my King:

Intelligence: He must be at least as smart as me. I also love a man who is MORE intelligent than I am, but it’s rare for me to meet one.

Kindness: Brains are nothing without heart.

Humor: A man who makes me laugh is 100 times more likely to be invited into my bed than one who doesn’t. Humor-wise I’m more Tim and Eric/Danny McBride than Adam Sandler/South Park.

Emotional Support: It’s not enough to be all of the above, I also need a partner who recognizes my emotional needs and can be there to help when I’m having a bad day. Although I am generally happy and successful, I have my moments of sadness and uncertainty just like everyone else.

Adventurous: This is a combination of energetic and open-minded with at least a tolerance of travel. Adventurous means my man doesn’t like to just sit around and watch TV: he’d rather be out sight-seeing, planning our next trip, or out with me in nature. He also has to be open-minded in the bedroom (obviously), as well as socially and creatively flexible.

Looks: Note that this is next to last on the list. That being said, I’m a wreck for a hot male model. Jawline and abs, mmph!

Cool: How else to say it? Don’t be lame or awkward. 

In summary, my ideal man is someone who can embody all these traits and, above all else, prioritize me and give freely of his affection. In return, I treat him as any Queen treats her King: with respect and utmost love. If you have a Queen in your life and have been dying to tell her how you feel, maybe this week is a good opportunity. And if you’re still out there searching for your King or Queen, take heart. I truly believe everyone has someone for them out there in the world.

Photo Stephen Perry

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You’re attractive, professionally successful, and doing just fine on the vanilla dating front thanks to the bevy of dating apps out there. And yet… with a never-ending stream of gorgeous partners at your literal fingertips, you somehow find yourself wanting more. More substance. More layers. More excitement.

That ‘more’ is kink. You’re probably not sure how far you’re willing to go, or even what kinds of activities are available. Maybe you hated 50 Shades of Grey, but it did pique your interest. The more you research, though, the more you realize you don’t know. And frankly, it can be overwhelming. Don’t worry: We all have to start somewhere. Years ago, I was as vanilla as they come. Working as a ProDomme thrust me fast and furious into the world of kink, and eventually, I started exploring it at home. Now, eight years later, my sex life is extraordinary. You CAN have your cake. And eat it too! And do a hot force-feeding scene afterwards with a sexy naked chick tied to a chair.

Thanks to my job as a Dominatrix, I travel the world for kink, and there is one app that has literally changed my dating life forever. No matter where I go, Whiplr seems to have sexy scene players in my age range who are eager to meet up. The search settings allow you to narrow down your basic preferences, and the Dekadom membership helps you get even more specific about who and what you’re looking for. It attracts a broad range of experience levels as well, from skilled scene veterans to excited newbies who’ve never even tried a blindfold. I adore introducing vanillas to the scene, so it’s thrilling that so many people who’ve joined recently are brand new to BDSM. Me: kid. Whiplr: candy store.

If only there had been an app like this when I first started exploring. It’s the only global dating app dedicated to kink and fetish, and it’s getting bigger by the day. To “keep it 1000” as we say on the internet, my stock is pretty low on places like OKCupid and Tinder. As a vanilla woman, I’m just another petite brunette with curves. On Whiplr, however, I’m a feisty sex Goddess with an astonishing set of skills and experience. It gives me easy access to hot partners who might just breeze past me in other apps. ALL of the people I’ve met from Whiplr have been gorgeous and fascinating, and it’s yielded MY BEST dates ever.

To be very clear: I want hundreds of new people to join Whiplr every single day. Not because I work for Whiplr (though I kind of wish I did), but because I want a bigger dating pool! I love this app and want to do everything I can to promote it, since each new member who signs up is another adventure waiting for me.

As for those other dating apps? I’ve deleted them all. If I want vanilla, I’ll just have some ice cream.

Photo: Ian Reid.
Models: Mistress Darcy, Goddess Aviva, Bob Revolver and friends.

Mistress Darcy Max Relaxing wm

This is a candid snap taken when I was relaxing with a few friends in London last year. I came across it as I was tidying up my computer and thought, why not: I’ll give you all a little glimpse into my personal life. But I also want to give you the parameters for this privileged information so that you don’t ever take my gifts for granted.

Most ProDommes have personal lives that are very separate from their professional personas. I would imagine the same is true of most people, from NFL players to runway models. And most of my clients are successful professionally, so I know it can be true for malesubs as much as FemDommes. My personal and professional self are very separate. Sort of. There’s lots of reasons for that, some of which you can guess at, some of which you’ve probably never thought about.

If I’m kinky 24/7 I get burned out. To channel and express a lot of high-intensity sexual energy requires tremendous fuel, and if I Domme hard, I must usually rest hard. This means that sometimes after a session I want to do the furthest thing from BDSM. I like to occasionally clean the entire studio myself, a mundane task that puts me in an almost meditative state. I don’t always have the hours to spare for that, obviously, so I outsource it to my slaves and helpers most of the time, but anything that works my body and relaxes my mind is an important counterweight to my job. If I need a quick de-stress I’ll hit the gym and watch “my shows” while I’m on the treadmill. My favorite show is The Walking Dead, but I also loved every episode of Boardwalk Empire and True Detective season one. I’m currently working my way through Daredevil with the orgasm-inspiring Charlie Cox. I like action-packed television because it transports me far away from the intimacy of my sessions, while at the same time giving me that delicious rush that adrenaline junkies like myself so often crave.

One element of BDSM that takes a lot of energy, purely because it requires intense discernment and focus, is making it about the other person. In professional situations, and especially with subs who I may not know all that well or might be seeing for the first time, there has to be at least some attention to what they want: this is integral to “consent” and also to repeat customers. I don’t mean service domination, which I personally detest in my own practice, but an acknowledgement of the sub’s needs, interests, and limitations in order to integrate them throughout the session as much as is appropriate. I must first listen to what they tell me they want, then look, listen and feel to what they want that they haven’t told me; this is a deeper level of listening as sometimes subs either aren’t aware of their more profound needs or may not know how to articulate them. Then there’s a third step of taking what I’ve received from them and pushing it through the filter of my own desire; I must literally outsmart each sub, figuring out on a case by case basis how to behave within the structure of their submission while still maintaining control. It’s not always easy, though I have gotten better at it over the years. Sometimes a client will have a lot of resistance to being actually out of control, instead preferring to live in the fantasy of submission. This of course creates a whole host of other complications and energy-draining detours, which is part of the reason I charge so much.

If I’m dominating in my personal life, I usually expend less energy, because I’m not taking energy to feel someone out (if they are a familiar sub or partner), not filtering their desires through my own, and almost never dealing with anyone who has resistance to submission. When I spend time with a personal partner, there is also usually more chemistry in the room than with my clients. I’m able to focus on what I want, which feeds what he or she wants, which feeds back into me in a beautiful, horny cycle. This is the ecosystem of desire that professional sessions try to emulate, and while it is literally my job to engineer chemistry with all of my clients, it is of course easier and less tiring to relax into the chemistry I already have with the lucky subs in my personal life.

One of the things that makes my professional session so intense is that I draw on reality, which often constitutes emotional edge play. It is a way for me to avoid feeling like I’m serving YOU, since many times the client will participate in the scene initially only insomuch as it aligns with his fantasy of how the scene should play out. For me there is nothing more satisfying than toying with your everyday persona–not just the “sub self” who willfully visits me in the dungeon, but the “real self” that walks out of the session and back onto the subway, quaking and disoriented as you make your way home. There is a part of every sub that wants to surpass the fantasy of surrender and enter the free fall of actual helplessness. You’re still in partial control when you present your fantasy self, so I prefer to take it further and wrench every scrap of control away from you by entering the forbidden self: your vanilla. I will always honor your hard limits and discretion, even if I intentionally give you the impression that I will not, but I also want access to the parts of your psyche that you’re not willing to give to other Dommes.

I myself will frequently draw on my personal life in session, teasing you with details of my pastimes, love life, thoughts, desires, and interests. Sometimes I want you to think I want you. I almost never do. Sometimes I want to fill your head with thoughts of us as a couple, and how I might look next to you at a dinner party, or on our honeymoon. Other times I want you to feel that you know me so well you can tell me anything, doling out just enough detail about my own life to make you trust me with the full details of yours. Most of what you say to me will be used against you, at some point, but only with the ultimate purpose of helping you become a better person. Benevolent malevolence, if you will. I have a tremendous memory for detail in person, and a delicate eye: I can pic you apart with a single glance, drawing conclusions about who you are and what you do without you ever speaking a word. After seeing thousands of clients over the years with many of my own personal relationships along the way, I’ve developed a bullshit radar that can detect your lies before you’ve even spoken them. By the same token, I am an expert liar, and many times I’m more convincing when I’m deceiving you than when I’m telling the truth. So in short: you can never be sure whether what I’m saying is true or false, but I am almost always aware of whether you are.

All of the above is interesting, but it’s just preamble: colorful tech-talk for those of you who enjoy the nerdy how and why of submission. I have been thinking about how to word this next part for many days now, since I’m becoming increasingly comfortable with the integration of my two selves and want to preserve and honor both my kink and my vanilla. They could not be farther apart, but at the same time one bolsters the other. My strength as a Domme comes in large part from the fact that I am brave enough to bring my authentic self into my sessions, including moments of vulnerability. By the same token I am gaining power and ferocity in my vanilla career by embracing my sadistic Femdom self, allowing the full alpha to show up and at times take over in my personal life.

The most relevant point I want to make, however, is that you must always honor whichever self I choose to show you, and don’t ever, EVER demand to know more. If I share something with you, it is because it benefits me to do so, not because I am trying to make you feel good, entice you, seduce you, or further stiffen your vulgar erection. In other words: I share because I feel like sharing, not because you want me to share. If you pose a question about my personal life it is, most of the time, either a grasping for power or a pathetic flailing towards your delusion of being my lover. Knowledge puts you on a more equal footing with me, as does the simulation of “regular conversation,” which neither of us actually wants. I may imitate casual dialogue in my time with you, but it’s merely another trick in my bag; the goal is to disorient you, displace your ego, and eventually destroy the person you thought you were and rebuild you in the image of who I think you should be. Ironically I am committed to your catharsis, and you sabotage that when you insist on being my equal.

Are you starting to see the idiocy of assuming you have any right to my personal life, or could even understand it if I told you everything you wanted to know? My inner world is as vast and breathtaking as the night sky, and though you may be a devoted astrologist, obsessed with every glimmering detail I reveal, you do not own that sky and cannot demand that it reveal itself any more than it does on any given night. If you could see every single star in the sky, you would see nothing but light; the night would evaporate and you would go blind. Better to enjoy the details as I see fit to dispense them: sporadic and fine, like exquisite candies dropped from my lips onto yours.

If this poetry is lost of any of you, let me be more clear: don’t ask me about my personal life. Don’t ask if I’m single, don’t ask if I’m married. Don’t ask my weight or age or orientation or name, or where my family lives, or what my childhood was like. Don’t ask what I do “in real life.” Don’t ask if I’ve had sex recently, or if I masturbate before, after or during sessions. Don’t believe me when I say I want to date you. Don’t believe me when I talk about our honeymoon. Don’t take my sex-chat as an invitation: it has everything to do with me and nothing to do with you. You’re another item on my to do list. I’ll complete you with the energy and passion that I complete everything else during my day, but I will always be more special to you than you are to me. You want it that way, otherwise you’d just have a normal girlfriend.

We create Gods and Goddesses for a reason: we want someone to look up to. When you’ve descended too low and hoisted that Goddess up too high, the disparity can sometimes become unbearable for your fragile ego. It’s then that you start with the question-asking. When you demand that Goddess share herself with you, you tear her down from her pedestal and try to scrabble up on top of it yourself. Just stop. Let me be mysterious. Let me be powerful. Let me be the vast unknown before you. Quiet yourself, and sit in the still of the night, watching the sparkling sky with a sense of awe, wonder and gratitude. If you’re lucky and you wait long enough, you just might catch a glimpse of a shooting star.