hitachi vibrator

 

Magic Wand: A Girl’s Best Friend

I received an email this morning from a female client who was over the moon after our last session together. It was a hot experience, and I certainly made a powerful impression on her judging by her flushed face when she left; long term, however, she preferred the company of my friend who I brought with me…

“You should know that you helped me out enormously by introducing me to my new Japanese boyfriend, Hitachi Magic Wand! I’d never been able to have an orgasm with another person before but it turns out that Hitachi was the missing element.”

For anyone who hasn’t tried masturbating with a Hitachi, I suggest dropping what you’re doing and buying one right now. I generally describe the experience as “ripping an orgasm out of you with a chainsaw.” Both men and women can enjoy this tool, and generally it’s equally effective on both sets of genitalia. I own one for use with my male partners, which I’ve had for about four years now. It has probably single-handedly (pun intended) saved me from Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

Thanks to the internet, magic wands are now pretty much ubiquitous no matter where you live. They’re technically supposed to be used as therapeutic “massagers” for other parts of your body, which IS still true, even though they are most notoriously used as sex toys. You can even get them at Walmart! (How dirty.) There are dozens of knock-off designs available for next to nothing on Amazon, though if you get anything under $50 you risk the motor burning out after a few months of use. The design pictured above is the standard, though there are many other types on the market. If you take your orgasms as seriously as I do, you should definitely think about an upmarket model.

 

Other Vibrator Models

I myself have a Doxy for personal use, which is one of the more expensive wands but holds up very well over time. It even comes in a few different fun colors (mine is black, in case you’re wondering). The different speed settings are incredibly helpful and one of the key features that sets it apart from the various standard Hitachi models. I also love the sleek design, which is a bit less “hospital” feeling with all of the horsepower of the original Hitachi. I believe they have made cordless versions in the past, though I think you might have to order from the UK to find one.

doxy-massager-black

I’ve heard mixed reviews about the waterproof cordless Lelo, though in general their products are some of the prettiest and sleekest on the market. My own Lelo is small and has a gorgeous design (smaller hand unit, not a wand), but I’m afraid doesn’t have quite the motor power that I need to have a truly mind-blowing experience. One of the bigger models (pictured below) will definitely have a stronger vibration to it than the small units, but the issue with cordless wands is always that you have to recharge them and risk a weaker vibration than models which plug into the wall. The upshot is, of course, that it’s waterproof, which makes it worth getting if you love playtime in the bath, shower or pool.

Lelo Cordless Vibrator

There are also lots of smaller versions of the classic wand out there, such as the Wanachi, though I personally find the motor speed is not strong enough to merit buying one. I would rather either use a smaller, classic insertable vibrator or a larger, highly capable exterior wand, and not waste my money on a middle-of the road purchase that satisfies neither requirement. I do know some people who like their the smaller models though, so if you’re still struggling to decide I would advise going in-store to somewhere like Babeland to sample the various speeds before you invest.

Wanachi mini wand

 

Attachments and Accessories

Whichever wand you decide to get, make sure you try at least one attachment. There are quite a few available now, both for men and women, and they are usually pretty affordable. Most of the insertables can be used both vaginally and anally, with the exception of the double-penetration caps which are meant for women only (see second image below). There are also lots of cock sheaths you can get which are useful if you want a unique, robotic-handjob type experience or simply if you lose patience with your male partner’s procrastinating member. If you decide you don’t like the attachment you’ve purchased after using it, please do us all a favor and don’t return it. Vibrators may help you unleash your impulses, but there is still some basic etiquette required!

Hitachi Vibrator Sex Toy Female Vibrator Sextoy Dick Attachment Vibrator Femdom

 

Hygiene: Soap and Water

Please clean your vibrators after every use, if possible. In addition to helping maintain the pleasant smell, taste and appearance of your toy, it’s also just a good habit to get into for sanitation. You can definitely catch STD’s from swapping it between yourself and your partner during sex, so bear that in mind and proceed with caution! If you’re too lazy to wash your toy with soap and water between uses, just wrap it in a condom and gently dry off any condom-lube on the outside after you’re done. I usually double-bag my Hitachi when I use it on a male, as sometimes the first condom will break with vigorous use. The ridges on the original model can be hard to fully clean, even with disinfectant wipes, so condoms are extra handy for cutting down on cleaning time.

 

Vibrator Shame: Get Over It!

If you still feel ashamed of buying such an audacious cum-tool, you should know that these things have been around for decades. There’s even a rather darling scene about a Hitachi at the end of Exit to Eden, that hilarious mid-90’s romantic comedy about a kinky sex island. Rosie O’Donnell’s character pulls one out of Dan Aykroyd’s bag, and he bashfully admits to having purchased it in order to resurrect his failed marriage. If a middle-aged, sexuallyepressed, vanilla doofus like him can buy one, so can you!

Kink BDSM Femdom Kink Roleplay

Want to convert your partner? Spice up your bedroom? Take your kink to the next fun, creative level? I’m hosting an extraordinary class on March 6th at 7pm at the infamous Coco de Mer in Convent Garden, London that can do all of that for you, and much more. This is your chance to learn about the intricacies of erotic roleplay in a safe, luxurious and inspiring setting.

The Marvels of Erotic Roleplay

Coco de Mer, March 6th 7pm-10pm

23 Monmouth St, London WC2H 9DD, United Kingdom

Here is an excerpt from the Coco de Mer website:

“In this salon your teacher, internationally renowned Dominatrix and lifestyle kink practitioner Mistress Darcy, will guide you through how to indulge in role play. Over the course of two hours you’ll be instructed on how to create a scintillating role play covering every base from how to negotiate boundaries with your partner, through to the tools needed to set the scene. To bring the ideas to life Mistress Darcy will give a demonstration with her assistant of a role play session in full swing, after which you and a partner will plan your own scene under her expert guidance.”

The class is £95 which is a total steal for three hours. You get individualized attention from me as well, and unlimited Q and A. Also a great place to meet single young kink-curious hotties…just FYI!

Femdom BDSM submissive

In one of my last articles I talked a lot about online dating. And in one of my next articles, I’m planning on going into detail on how to find the right kinky partner for you. However, I feel I need to acknowledge the seeming dissonance of a dominatrix advising her clients to seek healthy, happy relationships outside of session. It seems pretty bad for business, huh? On the contrary: a happy sub makes for a happy Domme. Plus I have enough subs that even if half of you reading this went out and started dating straightaway, I would still have more than enough sessions to keep me busy.

As much as possible I try to help my subs get to a place where they can start to date successfully on the scene, including personal advice outside of session when I have time, as well as one on one relationship coaching and phone consultations. I believe in decompartmentalisation as much as is appropriate for your life and location: I am pro-kink, pro-honesty and proelationship. Visiting a dominatrix in no way precludes having a healthy dating life or even life partner. As long as the Domme is skilled and respects emotional boundaries, the two relationships are very different: one is professional, and the other is personal. Seeing a Domme is a lot different than having an affair or going to a prostitute or escort. All of those examples provide an experience that you are, more or less, meant to find in your primary relationship. Why pay for sex when you can get it from your partner? Why seek emotional intimacy from an affair when you are meant to find it at home? Kink is a different story, however, as by definition a “kink” is something that marks you as “different from the norm.” I wish it weren’t this way, and that more “vanilla” women would “spice it up” more with their husbands without shame, fear, or guilt, but for now most ProDommes are able to excel at things that many other women can’t, or sometimes simply won’t.

The more a Domme specializes and excels at her craft, the less chance you will experience that same level of play with your significant other. When you need a back rub, you might ask for one at home. If you need a chiropractic adjustment, however, most people don’t ask their girlfriend or boyfriend; they go to a specialist. The things that I offer range from the standard bondage, discipline, and sadomasochism to extremely complex and psychologically delicate scenarios like age play, behavior modification, ego deconstruction, sissification, forced bi, cuckolding, and public humiliation scenes. Most spouses and partners are not going to be able to offer that menu, and if they can, why the hell are you going to a dominatrix? If you just need to be tied up and spanked every once in awhile then you should stay at home and play there. However, if all of the following are true I see no reason not to see a dominatrix.

  • you have an honest, trusting, loving and communicative relationship with your partner
  • you have realized through extensive talks that he or she is not interested in ever dominating you in extreme ways
  • you can afford to session at no detriment to your home or family
  • you are able to maintain emotional boundaries in session and not lose sexual or romantic interest in your partner
  • you will still be able to balance your “extra-curricular activities” with being a good partner/spouse/parent

Many of the top ProDommes I know are actually very careful to extricate their own sexuality from their sessions, though most would not be willing to admit that publicly as it kills a lot of the fantasy. You the sub may be physically turned on, but most often the Domme is not; anyone who says differently is probably just advertising. A Domme’s frigidity is actually for the benefit of everyone involved. It’s not wise for a ProDomme to become too aroused, since she needs to keep her wits about her in order to conduct the scene properly and honor your limits. Some aspects of BDSM are highly technical and require intense concentration, and most aspects of domination require selflessness on the part of the dominant. If a Domme gets distracted by her own sexual arousal, as opposed to the joint pleasure of both Domme and sub, it becomes boring for the sub and possibly even dangerous. I also find that giving in to the sexual desires of a client puts us on a more even footing…which I hate. I prefer to withhold any and all sexual contact with me; it keeps me firmly planted in the realm of “unattainable.”

I want to make the distinction here between sexual arousal and mental and emotional arousal. Having either mind or heart operating on overdrive is a great way to run a scene. Almost all of my sessions, by design, inspire me to be highly mentally aroused. It has to do partly with my obsession with D/s, but also the fact that if I get bored you won’t be long behind me. I also sometimes let myself get swept away in sentiment. Just the other night, a 60-year old sub came to me for a first session. He was on heart attack medication and could not stay erect, though I kept him in his underwear the whole time so I didn’t care either way. I myself was physically aroused for about ten minutes while he was giving me a foot massage (I know, eating my own words here) but other than that was feeling very stern and cold. There was a curious moment, though, when he was on the floor kneeling in front of me. He started speaking about his own submission, his desire to give himself to me completely, almost to blink out of existence for my benefit. Normally when slaves start talking that way I tune out, since it’s coming from a place of self-indulgent “me me me” fantasy that has nothing to do with the actual woman standing in front of them. This time, though, something about the timbre of his voice caught my attention. He was speaking from the heart. I not only believed him, I could tell that he was actually speaking to me, live and in the flesh, instead of narrating some kinky porn clip running in his mind. I suddenly found myself welling up, and though I didn’t let him see it, I was deeply touched by his willingness to put my needs above all else–including his own dignity and wellbeing.

It was an example of a great session because of the authentic surrender that occurred. He had no expectations and was not hung up on his own sexual release: all of his energy was going towards making himself vulnerable to me and legitimately making me feel honored and superior. As a result I gave back to him tenfold and was moved to tears in the process. Although it’s not common for me to have that kind of emotional reaction, I try to replicate a similar D/s dynamic whenever possible. Most of the sessions I do are D/s-based, which means there is a significant psychological component and fixed, unequal power structure. I find that although my subs can become aroused in the process, there is something more profound than arousal that occurs in deep sub space. It is an existential shift, wherein the dominant literally creates meaning and structure for the sub which was not there before. The only thing more primal than sexuality is life itself, including your idea of who you are in the world. So while a session can certainly rely on a heavy exchange of sexual energies, it is not always the centerpiece of the experience. If you are not fixated on your own orgasm, you may find something else far more satisfying. And furthermore, you can go back to your wife or life partner feeling perhaps a tidge less guilty about your experience with your Domme. After all, you were there to serve HER.

In the words of Bob Dylan, “we all have to serve somebody.” It’s best to not let it be yourself.

coco-de-mer-mic-shop-front

I’m honored to be starting as an instructor this fall at the luxury lingerie store Coco de Mer in London. I’ll be offering my first course October 30th as part of their Sensual Education salon series–just in time for Halloween! The salon is called The Marvels of Role Play and offers both BDSM and D/s basics as well as a step-by-step guide to conceiving and executing your most exotic scenarios in the bedroom (or any other room you like). If you’re interested in taking the class, please sign up here. Feel free to drop me an email in advance of the salon to introduce yourself. I love saying hello to new students!

Based in London, Coco de Mer has some of the finest undergarments I’ve ever had the pleasure of wearing. They sell truly exquisite sex toys and upscale BDSM equipment for people who want to enrich their love life with designer tools and accessories. If you’ve never been to their shop in Covent Garden, I highly recommend stopping in. It feels like stepping into a delicious time warp, back to the days when modest Victorian mores turned our basic sexual needs into elegant, erotic reverie. If you want to spoil your lover or partner (or me for that matter) this is an ideal shop to visit. And for all of you based outside the UK, their online store is pretty comprehensive.

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I just want to take a moment to appreciate all the pussy-slaves and cunt-sluts out there who know how to deliver oral sex properly. It is a special role in and of itself and requires years of practice to perfect. But never forget….just because you go down on me does NOT mean you will be fucking me. In fact it’s usually the opposite. If your tongue is in me then chances are I already think of you as half a man and will expect someone else to finish with their dick what you start with your mouth. Bear in mind this is just helpful reading and an insight into my sexuality, not an open invitation. Only a select few slaveboys in my personal life have this incredible honor via invitation not request; it’s not on my “interest list” so don’t ask for it. For the thick-headed: I DON’T ALLOW ORAL IN SESSION. This is dedicated to the sweet, sexy lifestylers I have met over the years. And for all the aspiring pussy boys out there….

Mistress Darcy’s Tongue Fucking Tips:

-Do not attempt rapidfire licking immediately. The tongue is not a machine gun, and our vaginas are not bulls-eyes. As with any athletic activity, we need a proper warm-up before your tongue hits 60 mph.
-Do kiss and lick and caress the outside areas as well: legs, lips, inner thigh crease, etc. We can stand a little tease and denial on occasion just like you.
-Sucking is fine AT POINTS but please do not attempt to vacuum the clitoris completely off with your super-suction powers.
-No. Teeth. On. The Pussy.
-Do not speak to our pussies. Worship is expected, but I want you looking lovingly into my eyes not mumbling awkwardly into my labia.
-Do begin thrusting with the tongue when you have worked us up to it. Long, deep movements that simulate penetration. It will make us scream for intercourse…with another man. But go there anyway, it’s your job!
-Vibrators and fingers are A-Okay! Anything to get us to orgasm land.
-If you are hoping to get a taste of that other nether region around back be sure and ask first in one manner or another, either directly or via hinting…not all women are comfortable with anilingus. The best way to have things end awkwardly is to take liberties where they’re not welcome.
-Don’t touch yourself while going down on a Mistress. Vanilla girlfriend maybe…but a Domme deserves your full attention.
-Don’t try to kiss us after you lick us. You may like the taste of my vag but I can do without.
-Wipe the pussy off your face before you go outside.
-When in doubt: ask! We would rather answer your question than correct your mistake.